what ifs, what could have beens
an array of unending questions
a distant place, a moment in time
for once it was almost mine

’twas a cold night, drizzling
windy and raining
on a beachfront yuletide
that moment to deride

such distinct hearts in unison
a first time in motion
too confused and perplexed
just didn’t know what’s next.

mahiwagang buhay nakapagtataka
ngunit minsa’y nakakabalisa

maraming nagdaang alaala
bumabalik sa isang kisapmata

sa isang sulok pala ng isipan nakatago
pira-pirasong larawang ulit na bumubuo

sa isang salamin ng kahapon
datapwat sa tuwina’y tumutugon

kung saan ang lahat nagsimula’y
muling bumabalik sa dapit-hapon ng buhay

at kung bakit nasa tamang panahon ang lahat
isang malaking tanong sa muling pagkamulat.

9:29 am.

“these are little scraps of magic & when you paste them together you get a memory
of something fine & strong, she said. sometimes it takes till you’re 40 to see it though.”
(story people)

well.  we have come to the last log of this journal.  it’s been a year of a journey documented in this daily log.  my dreams.  my aspirations.  the pain.  the anguish.  the longing.  the fun.  the excitement.  my convictions and my passions.

it is a story of  love and  hate.  it is a journey without a clear destination.  an endless journey to a thing i always call my home.  a never-ending quest for happiness.  but we will never know for now.  but two things are certain at this point.  this journey might find me home or might find me dead somewhere.

however, this last log is not reserved for good byes.  for this journey goes on.  for there will always be stories to share.  there will always be songs to sing.  there will always be those sweet  rhymes and the right reasons.  there will always be a beach with beautiful sunsets.  and writing is always gonna be a part of this journey.

it’s  always more than meets the eye.  things are always more than just being skin deep.  there’s more beyond the ink and the gauges.  there’s always more than all the words and the lines i can forever write on here.

“i am not afraid to walk this world alone
…nothing you can say can stop me going home”
(my chemical romance)

anyhow, there are things that i have to be grateful about as well.  that in spite of it all, despite all the rejections, the death wish and the dangerous grounds, i am still here today writing this shit.

there had been crashes and more hard falls.  there had been rock bottom moments.  there had been the darkest of nights.  but just like a phoenix, i had always come out of my own ashes and still make it through.  coz out of my own ashes, i will still burn.  burn for all the things i believe in.

but i guess now is the right time to thank all those people  i met in this journey.  some i rolled with and some i met at the crossroads.  while some were just standing along the way.  some have left this world already while some left during the dark of night. and some don’t exist in my world anymore.

you guys have been a part of me and my journey.  i learned a lot of things from you.  and those learnings from life somehow molded me.  it made me stronger.  better.  tougher.  it made me sharper and even wiser i suppose.  street wise and street smart that is.  it made me what i am today.

and my appreciation goes to the one reading these logs as well.  you might be a regular reader.  or you might just happen to drop by.  or probably just a starter who accidentally came across this thing.  somehow, you became a part of my life too.

a big appreciation to the ones i call my blood as well.  my grandma slash mom.  and the rest in the circle.  somehow, you guys made me hang on for a little bit more.  thank you for everything so far.  i will always cherish those things in my heart  forever.

to the stars.  to the biggest star.  and to that north star.  thanks for paving and lighting the dark path.  always keep that light on.

and many thanks to the lifelines as well.   a mom.  a dog.  a bike.  and an irony.

and to the spark that ignited it all.  it was, it is and it will always be a perfect spontaneous combustion.  it was some sort of a higher form of an inspiration that gave me the wings somehow.  big thanks as well.

as i always say on here, nothing and no one is always left unappreciated.  my big thanks goes to you all guys.

well.  after the revelry and the fireworks comes the silence.  after all the applause, the final curtain drops.  then you get to face the reality of it all. and it bites.

after all is said and done, it’s just a pilgrim and his precious metals.  a guy and his homeys.  two bikes and a skateboard.  some gear.  an mp3 player.  this laptop.  and millions of miles more to walk, ride and run always anchored on a dream of a home.

the journey lives on.  coz i will never stop exploring.  i will never stop traveling.  till i reach that destination.  where there will be more reasons to stay than leave again.

and i always hope i will live to see the day.

yes.  i will be out for a while.  life has to get in the way first.

but someday i will be back to write my thoughts.  again.  and we will talk.  again.

keep shining.  keep smiling.  be happy.  be safe.  and stay warm.

so long guys.

rock on!

10:45 am.

and i am out.

“and no grown-up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important!”
(antoine de saint-exupery, the little prince)

1:19 am.

“did you find what you were after
the pain and the laughter brought you to your knees”
(ben harper)

in an hour from now, DST is gonna end.  it’s gonna be an hour earlier.  it’s the start of those even shorter days, i guess.  it’s gonna be darker earlier than the usual.  now it’s gonna be more depressing.  well.

trick or treat!

treat.  treat is for the kids who dressed up and go around for treats.  well, the museum is no different.  and i enjoy these moments.  you can see how happy and excited these kids are collecting treats like chocolates and chips and a lot of food stuff.

but you know how it is out here.  they’re loud, wild and rowdy.  ghetto kids.  and you just have to be very careful especially those guys wearing masks.  you just can never be sure dude.  wolves are just about everywhere waiting to strike on unsuspecting ones.  so i just stayed outside to give away those treats to the kids.  oh i felt like santa.  but wait.  it’s halloween so i should be mr. death.  the grim reaper himself giving those kids the treats.  hahahaha

trick.  now this part is for the bigger kids.  the adults.  hahaha  you know how it is out here.  devil’s night.  angel’s night.  at about this time probably some abandoned house somewhere in the D is on fire.  pyromania is an ongoing tradition out here on this time of the year.  that’s how crazy they are.  well.  out here, an abandoned house is always a porno for pyros.

1:26 am.

oh yes.  freedom has it’s own price.

im  out.

“you can’t climb
till you’re ready to fall”
(ben lee)

“everything will be alright
if you just stay the night”
(rachael yamagata)

12:47 am.

it was a no run day.  again.  it was raining.  oh great.  it was windy with winds at 20 mph but kinda humid though.  forecast tomorrow is even a higher chance of rain.  oh dude.  but sunday is gonna be sunny.  well.  it’s the season of fall.  obviously.

i am always amazed at the behavior of butterflies.  i wrote about my thoughts on their metamorphosis and the relation of their life stages to living.  it’s an evolution as well.  i realized that there is more to life than just being a caterpillar or a pupa.  after we fully develop into full-grown butterflies, there is more to life than just be stuck in a single leaf or a single plant.  as we begin to spread our own wings and learn to fly, we start to discover that there is a bigger and a more beautiful world out there waiting for us.

of all the butterfly species, i am more into the monarch butterflies.  well.  aside from their sweet color patterns, their behavior on migration is amazing as well.  in the fall, they travel southward.  but in the springtime, they travel due north.  they are the only butterflies of their species capable of doing a transatlantic flight.  their behavior on migration is just like that of the migratory birds.  it’s a very dangerous journey for them and many lose their lives along the way.  and no single monarch butterfly ever made it through the transatlantic round trip flight.  and this wonder of nature is still a subject of research until today.

their migration is an essential part of their life and reproductive cycle.  probably they are traveling south about 2,000 miles for their home in the winter.  and only to travel north bound again for their home in the springtime.

and the same is true with the migratory behavior of the nomadic types of whales.  they travel thousands of miles as well to be home.  safe on their home grounds for mating, calving and feeding.

i think it’s the same case about the thing i call going home as well.  after the long, cold and darkest winter, you go back north which is homeward bound.  you follow the bearings northward as you travel for home.  home in time for spring.  the spring of a new life and a new beginning.

this story of nature tells us something.  that even in the wild, the essence of a home never changes.  home is still where your heart will be.  home is still where your heart longs to be.  home is still where your heart is.  for a home spells safety in spite all the dangers that lurk around us.  it is and will always be our comfort zone.  it is our warmth amidst the biting cold.  it’s where all our love is beneath all the hate.  it is our inner peace in all the chaos.  it is everything we ever hope for in this life.

can i ever make it home?  now i’m beginning to wonder if i really deserve to have a home to begin with.  well?

i’m out.

12:59 am.

“when i’m all alone it’s
the best way to be.
when i’m by myself
nobody else can say goodbye”
(edi brickell and the new bohemians)

“all five horizons revolved around her soul
as the earth to the sun”
(pearl jam)

10:31 pm.

tonight’s run was so much perfect.  everything was synchronized.  the breathing.  the pacing.  the sounds.  the sights.  the mental conditioning.  the inspiration.  the weather.  the body coordination.  and all the works.  on a night like this, i could run into forever.

running is my therapy.  it is a workout for me as well.  i do not go for mass.  i do not go for volume.  coz most of the times, having the mass is not an indication of real strength.  it might be just another fluffy pillow on your inner most being.  i don’t wanna be like another johnny bravo as well.  i don’t want to be another muscular system model.  i don’t wanna be a skeletal model as well.  LOL

i just wanna bring down my weight to the lowest range possible as per my BMI.  coz having the perfect weight ratio would mean you could throw your weight around anytime.  it spells agility.  running would just tone down my muscles.  it would eventually define them.  and it would help shed whatever extras you have on.

everything would boil down to moderation.  so it’s gonna be not too much on body mass or not too much on being skinny either.  it is a balance.  coz somewhere in between is the moderation.  it is the equilibrium.  and in it comes the real strength.  now, does it make sense?

“i run from hate
i run from prejudice
i run from pessimists
but i run too late
i run my life
or is it running me
run from my past
i run too fast
or too slow it seems”
(lady antebellum)

two more days to go before the end of this one year of daily logs.  and in these last days of the logs, i am into summarizing the more important points written on here.  some of them you may find redundant.  but that’s just what it is.  it is my convictions that’s why.  it is in the repetition that enhances the visualization of the dreams. it is in the constant repetition that you can stress the points you wanna drive through.

so die all those who betray.  this is a quote inked on me.  it is a quote from one of the books of my favorite authors of all time.  mario puzo.  it’s from one of his great books, the sicilian.

that phrase is a part of my convictions as well.  it may not be the physical death.  but it would mean a theoretical death in so many ways.

all along this long journey, i had meet so many people along the way.  some of them pissed me off.  some of them dissed me out.  and there are some stories of betrayal along the way.  and those kind of people don’t have a space in me anymore.  i don’t tolerate those kind of people in any possible way.  in my world, they don’t exist anymore.  in my world, they’re already dead a long time ago.  and i don’t give a damn about them anymore.  i don’t give a fuck about them anymore.

“i crouch like a crow
contrasting the snow
for the agony i’d rather know”
(bon iver)

taking pictures.  this is one of my passions as well.  i only use a regular point and shoot digital camera but i have some great captures.  i had some beautiful macro shots as well.  and people who know something about photography say that i have the eye for it.  it’s some kind of a gift.  hmmm.  i just love shooting those pics.  and the good thing is, i do it differently each time.  coz i just love those radical angles. i like those out of tune compositions.

taking a picture is capturing moments in freeze frames.  and capturing those moments in stills only reminds us that a moment is only a moment.  it could not happen again in time.  it’s a reminder that things don’t last forever.

and a  perfect way to document specific moments of this journey is through a collective of stills.  a first person point of view of the stages of this journey.  and this daily log to back it up.  isn’t that great?

that’s why im elevating this passion into a higher level.  i’m gonna give myself a treat for christmas.  i’m gonna write a letter to santa.  hahahaha  yes.  i’m giving myself a digital single lens reflex camera this christmas.  yay!!!  a dslr for xmas.  wow.  im so excited now.  hahahaha  oh i wish it’s december already.  hahaha

“everything you can imagine is real”
(pablo picasso)

i don’t take all things sitting down.  i know i am always empowered.  i know i always have a choice in all the things that i do.  as i always say on here, no one and nothing can mess with free will.

i go where i wanna go.  i say what i wanna say.  i speak my mind.  i think out loud.  i stop instantly when things lose their meaning.  i stop instantly when things start not to make sense anymore.

and i don’t even care anymore.  coz this is just a quest for the holy grail i call happiness.  happiness in a home.  the end of this long and tiring journey.  the warmth of the home.  or the bitter cold of the grave.

and that’s why i drop all the things that don’t make me happy anymore.

but this question always lingers in me.  is happiness really mine to keep?

11:22 pm.

i’m out.

“it takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”
(e. e. cummings)

“dance till you fall. love till you die.
shut your mouth.”
(carbon leaf)

8:53 am.

awake is the new sleep.

i got up with still that migraine on.  oh dude.  is this a different thing?  something must be wrong with me, i think.

is this it?  if i have to go, i dont wanna suffer no more.  and if i really have to go, i wanna go in a flash.  please make it quick and fast.  too much pain was all there was.  and all there is.

later.

“how i wish everything was simple…”
(olivia broadfield)

11:35 pm.

the kids near the gas station were again playing on their front yard.  they’re my friends now, you know.  whenever they see me we would have the usual high five exchange and they would walk with me up to a certain point.  it’s during this walks that they get their free spanish tutorials from me.  today one of the kids was like hey what’s dipuga?  it means you’re cool.  hahahaha

they have the same welcome and parting words all the time.  you know how it is.  they only have the dora spanish.  so their intro word is hola.  and the parting words would be adios diego.  hahaha  oh yeah.  im diego.  LOL

the letter R always ruled my life.  it still does actually.  R is the very first rejection i had back in day one.  R is for those rejections.  R is rhyme.  R is reasons.  R is rebirth.  R is rediscovery.  R is re-engineering.  R is realignment.  R is refocus.  R is relentless.  R is resilient.  R is repose.  and this letter R is inked on me as well.

the pain is still on.  i still have that migraine pain.  but wth??  i ran.  i dont even care anymore.

my run today was a mix of a walk and run.  i walked about 8% of the total distance.   i dont have a heart monitor but i felt my heart was overworking.  it was about to be overloaded.  so i had to stop if i dont wanna end up lying on a pavement somewhere.

i had a hard time synchronizing everything during the run.  the breathing.  the pacing.  everything.  that’s probably why my heart was almost on overloaded mode.  i was not in my zone.  i was not feeling well.

duck the migraine.  duck the pain.  duck this life.  it always sucks.  i don’t know anymore.  i dont wanna think about it anymore.  duck.  duck this.

im out.

11:53 pm.

“i said hell is so close, and heavens out of reach,
but i ain’t giving up quite yet…”
(augustana)

“maybe sometimes, we’ve got it wrong, but it’s alright
the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
oh, don’t you hesitate”
(corrine bailey rae)

11:57 am.

yesterday i was  a total mess.  i had the worst migraine attack in like forever.  i felt like my head was being cut into two parts.  vertically.  and my eyes.  oh dude.  it was like being poked by a jackhammer.  somehow it’s an exagerration.  but it was killing me.  it still hurts now as i write this log.

this migraine started early yesterday.  i ran out of chocolates in my backpack.  and i felt that my sugar level is going down.  you know how it is with me.  sleep debts.  eating debts.  too much already.  payback time, i guess.  and coke can’t stabilize it anymore.  so i have to suffer for it.  even the double dose tylenols can do nothing anymore in times like these.

but still i wanna run you know.  i wanna do another first.  run with the migraine on.  i was ready and just waiting for the tylenols to act on the pain.  but it didn’t.  and  i have to surrender to the pain.  i have no other choice.  i have to rest.

today is another bus day.  the retards of course.  it’s those kids i miss everytime it’s not a bus day.  and today they were no different.  the usual stuff.  they were yelling and screaming and running around so early in the morning.  and the grown ups at the bus stop are always pissed off at them.  but i enjoy that moment all the time.  i enjoy how those retards act.  but i enjoy more how those grown ups react.  hahahahaha  oh dude.  they’re kids.  let them be.  they just wanna play.  but you know they’re really loud and rowdy.  hahahaha

it’s a day off work today.  i have to do some important shit.  i have to go back to that thing later in the afternoon and sign some papers.  you know how i don’t really take a rest.  coz i don’t need to.  but there are some really important things that i need to do.  and it’s part of my grand plan.  well.  it’s good to know that things are all on the right track.  and somehow in the right time frames.

but this morning i have to bring keira to the local bike shop.  she needs some tune up.  she needs to be in top shape.  and she’s long overdue already.  anyway, i can handle my migraine now. it’s a little bit better than yesterday.  but it still hurts.

there was a quarter pipe at the bike shop.  play time.  and the mechanic guy jeff was like hey you should try riding that pipe.  of course i have a thousand reasons prepared.  i don’t wanna let their customers see me do another face plant on that asphalt.  hahaha  it’s better to just leave them wondering.  hahahaha

the bike shop is pretty far.  about 6 miles one way probably.  so i already have my 12 mile cardio for the day.  i still have the migraine so im straight for the day.  but if i feel a little bit better, then probably i’ll run.  LOL

i just can’t resist the adrenaline and the endorphins, you know.  it is euphoria for me.  a natural high.  and it’s addicting.  now.  does that make me a junkie?  endorphin junkie.  adrenaline junkie.  sounds like fun to me.  hahaha

“see i miss you most days
in kaleidoscope ways”
(the alternate routes)

ska.  reggae.  music genre.  these kind of songs are in my playlist as well.  oh i love these.  these songs connect me to a place that i really love.  these kind of songs always remind me of a beach.  the sound of the waves.  the gentle breeze.  and beautiful sunsets.  perfect world.

a time of solitude.  a moment of being alone.  some of you probably needs some time to be alone too.  well.  being alone is a temporary escape from a chaotic world.  it’s the moment spent alone that you refocus and rethink about your plans.  it’s like a retreat not because you accept defeat but just a period of rest in order to be back for more.  it’s more of a realigning thing after analyzing things about what’s going on.  it’s more about getting ready for what lies ahead.

solitude is my strength.  it doesn’t make me lonely.  it fires me up.  it excites me to be back for more.  it’s more of a recharging thing for me.  but i cant stay alone for long.  it’s just a period just like a lull.  coz i will always be back and deal with what i started.  coz i will always be back for more.

“sitting smoking feeling high
and in this moment it feels so right”
(dave matthews band)

12:40 pm.

i have to go in a while.  later.

9:36 pm.

i still have a slight migraine.

but the rest of my day went perfectly well.  i already signed the paper thing this afternoon.  we’re on a roll now.  i’ll just wait for time to unfold.  nice.

somehow there’s that silver lining behind the darkest of clouds.  but it’s still dark, you know.  at least.  hope began to breathe again.  it is coming back to life.  and in the strangest of ways, it is better.

i was with my old friend again.  the word old in the context here will mean two things.  old friend coz he’s one of the lastest friends i have in the span of the past ten years. and on the other hand, an old friend would mean the old friend.  yes. way older than me.  98 years old.

well.  time with him would always be like this.  the fake laughs.  hahahaha  seriously, though we talk about some serious shit as well, we laugh most of the time.  about the things that’s happening.  about things we see around us.  about us.  hahahaha  but the dude is cool.  he still walks at 98 though.  oh i just could smell the scent of the flowers and of the grass everytime.  LOL

“is it getting better?
or do you feel the same?
will it make it easier on you now?”
(U2)

fears.  i said fears would always stop us from achieving things.  it is in the conquering of our own deepest fears that we begin to have the courage to do the things we wanna do in this life.  fear is just in the mind and it blocks all the things that start in our minds.  unfortunately, all things start in the mind.  coz everything starts in believing.

i have issues with heights.  up to now, every time my bike’s wheels leaves the ramp for a take off, i would always be a little panicky inside.  if i cant contain that small spark of panic, then i would eventually lose control in mid air.  and bam.  a really hard crash landing.  hahahaha  and it’s the same thing with the really steep and fast technical descents.  probably some traumatic crashes back then still linger in my subconscious up to now.  and those things trigger that panic somehow.  but these things dont stop me from doing it over and over again.  and of course crashing over and over again.  LOL  but it’s the only way to conquer that thing.  it’s the only way to conquer the fear.  you just gotta face it and stare it in the eye.  coz you just cant hide away from those things.  it will just haunt you down.  every time.

but the thing is, the ultimate control is in you.  you are with your bike in mid air and the only thing that can control it is you.  so you just have to be on top of the situation.  always stay with the bike.  trust your instincts.  be fluid.  go with the flow.  however high that jump is, the bike’s suspension will absorb all the impact on landing especially on a tranny.  focus.  concentrate.  kill those butterflies in your tummy.  then you’ll be good.

roller coasters .  though it’s much safer than a flying bike, i still wont do it.  i wanna have control on the things i do.  i can’t just wait for things to happen.  i wanna make things happen.  i think riding on roller coasters is like passive fun.  passive adrenaline.

that’s what i think based on what i am.  but i know it’s fun as well.  i see people enjoying as well.  but it’s not just my thing.  coz i have issues with heights.  and the things beyond my control.  LOL

if you try to relate it to living, then probably it would mean the same thing.  i guess so.

“you’ll always be in my life
even if i’m not in your life
because you’re in my memory
(enrique iglesias)

modeling.  scale modeling.  this was one of my passions years ago.  yes.  i was into building airplanes, tanks, choppers, soldiers and a few dioramas.  you know how the hobby works.  you assemble the thing, glue the pieces together, paint it and weather it.  the objective is how to make it as close to real as possible.  it’s made of resin or plastic so the trick is how to make it look like steel.  yes.  just like the real thing.  but only scaled down to 1:35 or 1:16 etc. etc.  but the magic is in the detail.  how to really paint the eyes as close to being real.  how to project rust on the tracks of a tank.  how to project an oil spill marks on an armor. how to project a metal tarnish or a dent.  how to make a crack on a windshield.  are you still with me?  LOL

i had the complete gear.  i still do.  the triple zero and the rest of the skinny detailing brushes.  the magnifiers.  the acrylic and enamel paints.  the airbrush.  the files.  the sprue cutter.  and stuff.  sounds like a pro, huh?  hahahaha

but in my never ending hunger to learn more for the mastery of the craft, i researched what i did.  if i wanna do the vietnam war era, then i would read about it and check some pictures about that era.  i remember one of my masterpieces is a diorama i called “zippo raids” in 1:35 scale.  i made a vietnamese nipa hut and burned it.  oh that was so cool.  it looked so real.  it was really like the zippo raid thing.

eventually, the hobby was elevated into a passion.  yes.  it became my passion.  and i was becoming good at it.  i signed up in an online forum that time and i started posting pictures of my finished products.  oh dude.  the european guys were wondering how i did those things.  they just loved it.  hahahaha  of course, nothing beats an appreciation for a job well done.  and that made me worked for more.  that made me strive to be better.  every finished model became better and better each time.  oh i felt like i was such a pro.

but the more important thing to it was the learning i had.  it was more of a therapy than a hobby or a passion.  obviously it stirred up the artist in me.  it honed my creativity.  it made me think outside the box.  i learned more beyond than just perfecting how to make the model.  it made me interested in the history behind a thing i do like a tank or a chopper or a point in the world’s history.  and those things were learned or relearned outside the four walls of the classroom.

on the other hand, what’s an even more important point in the learning curve was it made me pay attention more to the details.  it taught me more of the virtue of patience.  so as not to mess up what i was doing, i learned to wait.  it helped me to contain and manage my emotions.  that passion gave me the soft touch on life.  it molded me.  it made me better.  it has become a part of what i am today.

yes.  i can manage my emotions better now.  i am always in full control.  yes.  i learned that most of the time i this life you have to wait.  and patience is an essential in life.  somehow, it ushered me more into a different level of maturity.  that’s how i evolved.  that’s a great part of this journey.  isn’t that just great?

just like riding a bike, driving or typing, it’s an acquired skill, you know.  it’s already in you and in your system.  i know i still can nail it.  i still can do it.  sometimes, i would go into hobby shops out here and check out what they have.  at times, there are some displays of the works of some hobbyists.  oh dude.  i can do way better than what they did.  hahahahaha  i can smoke them like shit.

now that’s what you can call the K.  konfidence.  LOL

we are still in a recap mode.  it’s barely three days to go for the book I.  but this will go on.  and so is the journey.

well.  it has been a day. happy.  hopeful.  some sunshine i guess.  but we’ll see.

but migraine sucks so bad.  it still does.  im in the second day already.  and the pain is still there.

why don’t you take some time to read my last quote for tonight.  coz it really makes sense.

“i beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything.  live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(ranier maria rilke)

well?

now let’s walk together into the sunset and let’s kick some ass along the way.  we will prevail.  party on!

11:40 pm.

im out.

“you may not remember the time you let me go first.
or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn’t that far to go.
or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
you may not remember any of those, but i do
& this is what i have to say to you:
today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together.”
(storypeople)

8:51 pm.

lately as i was reading some stuff online,  i came across the storypeople website.  their works are funny yet so creative.  probably their works really connect coz it’s a part of reality.  and the quote i did for tonight was the sweetest one i found on their site.  this is just so real.  i can feel so many connections in those lines.  it connected coz those lines really make sense.  it’s true.  it’s real.  when i saw it, it just gave me the creeps.

it’s true.  most of the times, i may walk behind you.  or at times, i may walk past you.  but time will come when im gonna walk with you.  beside you.  hand in hand, together we’ll walk into the sunset.

after 6 days, im finally back to running.  yeah.  today is my first day run after almost a week.  the injury made me stop for a while.  and when i was ready to roll, the rain came.  but today was perfect for a run.  not that cold though at the 50s but today had clear skies.

the running forum is right somehow.  even if you get to stop running for a while, you can never lose that endurance.  though i was not running as fast as my regular speed, i felt sharp for the whole 5 mile run.  but i had a hard time fine tuning everything for the first mile though.  but over all was just perfect.  the thigh is still a little bit sore though.  but well.

“all at once the ghosts come back
reeling in you now
oh what if they came in crushing”
(dave matthews band)

i always attempt for balance.  just like a seesaw, the center of a perfect balance is the equilibrium.  and that equilibrium is a strength.  it’s a source of a power.  in balance. there is harmony.  in balance, there is a symphony.

balance is the center point of the equal summation of both opposites.  it’s the focal point of two ironies.  yin and yang.  black and white.  left and right.  love and hate.  peace and war.  fire and water.  good and evil.

my piercings is a visual proof to my unending attempt for the perfect equilibrium.  i wear black on one side and raw steel on the other.

my ink says the same as well.  this human canvas is a living proof of ironies meeting somewhere in between.  this higher art form will show the harmony of opposites.  that there lies the perfect symphony in the equilibrium between two extremes.

“when the light falls on your face,
don’t let it change you
when the stars get in your eyes,
don’t let them blind you”
(saving jane)

lunch menu for two days:  jalapeno and coke.  perfect.  LOL

10:49 pm.

through the past 18 years, my ink has been a progression of sorts.  i always write about it.  it’s no different from what i write on here.  these things reflect my fascinations, dreams, convictions, hate, love and aspirations.  this log and my ink is a story of this life.  it’s basically the summation of this ongoing journey immortalized.  this will serve as a witness for the generations to come.  this will show who i really am and what i’m made of.  this is me.  and that’s what it really is.

the samurai warrior.  this is one of my fascinations.  it’s their valor and the courage that amaze me.  plus the loyalty and commitment to someone they swore allegiance to.  it’s chivalry and being a gentleman i guess.  and how they would stand up to their principles and even shed blood or sacrifice their lives for the things they believe in is just amazing.

this would explain the samurai warrior inked on my left arm.  the warrior in his full battle dress was neatly done in detail for two days.  and the way of the blade, the 12 codes of the bushido is inked in kanji characters on my back.   it is the way of the samurai i want to emulate as well.

and the same is true with the culture of the american indians.  the valor and standing up to what they have and what they believe in.  that’s what i think is the true mark of a real warrior.

tattooed on my left hand as well is a portrait of sitting bull, a sioux chief and medicine man.  my fascination for their culture explains why he’s immortalized on my skin as well.

well.  life’s journey is always an ongoing battle.  as i always keep writing on here, nothing ever comes on a silver platter that’s why i always have to fight to have the things i want in this world.  and i will still have to fight for these things in order to keep them.  that’s how things had always been since i can remember.  but i got what i wanted.  and i got to keep those that i wanted to keep.  and this is a reference to one thing.  that we too are warriors in our own lives.  coz it’s about surviving.  it’s about achieving.  it’s about winning.  coz life as described by mr darwin is the elimination of the unfit.  yeah.  life is a struggle.  and only the fittest will survive.  that’s true.

“don’t let your eyes refuse to see
don’t let your ears refuse to hear”
(ray lamontagne)

in my desire to be unconventional and in my desire to be against the norms, i always dare to be different.  and from that i become unpredictable.  and that’s another conviction for me.  i always think that unpredictability is power.  it’s a source of strength.  coz they will never know what’s up or how it is with you.  you will always come as a surprise.  they would never know.  and they would be just so clueless all the time.  coz things will just sweep them off their feet.

as i said crashes are and will always be a part of biking.  it’s in the total package of the sport.  just the same.  the pain and all the hurt are and will always be a part of life.   rejections and all these things serve as our learning points.  these things make us better.  these make us stronger.  these things make us even tougher.  coz these things make just make us ready for more.  coz all the pain, the hurting and all the rejections never stop.  it will never stop.

it has been a life so far.  but there are no regrets whatsoever.  it was all my decisions along the way.  i wouldn’t trade this life for anything in this world.  in fact, there’s no one to be blamed.  not even myself.  but i have everything to thank for.  coz all those things happened for the right reasons.  all that happened and all those guys along the way have become a part of me.  the experience molded me.  it made me what i am today.  it made me better.  stronger.  tougher.  this life made me relentless.

i know this is just a part of the storm.  there’s still gonna be a rainbow after the rain.  beyond those dark clouds is still a silver lining.  soon, i’ll have the time of my life.  soon, i’ll be home.

i will always prevail.  as i had been before.

but the roots will always run deeper.

11:59 pm.

signing off.

“fire burning me up
desire taking me so much higher
and leaving me whole”
(augustana)