twenty seven ten zero nine
“maybe sometimes, we’ve got it wrong, but it’s alright
the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
oh, don’t you hesitate”
(corrine bailey rae)
11:57 am.
yesterday i was a total mess. i had the worst migraine attack in like forever. i felt like my head was being cut into two parts. vertically. and my eyes. oh dude. it was like being poked by a jackhammer. somehow it’s an exagerration. but it was killing me. it still hurts now as i write this log.
this migraine started early yesterday. i ran out of chocolates in my backpack. and i felt that my sugar level is going down. you know how it is with me. sleep debts. eating debts. too much already. payback time, i guess. and coke can’t stabilize it anymore. so i have to suffer for it. even the double dose tylenols can do nothing anymore in times like these.
but still i wanna run you know. i wanna do another first. run with the migraine on. i was ready and just waiting for the tylenols to act on the pain. but it didn’t. and i have to surrender to the pain. i have no other choice. i have to rest.
today is another bus day. the retards of course. it’s those kids i miss everytime it’s not a bus day. and today they were no different. the usual stuff. they were yelling and screaming and running around so early in the morning. and the grown ups at the bus stop are always pissed off at them. but i enjoy that moment all the time. i enjoy how those retards act. but i enjoy more how those grown ups react. hahahahaha oh dude. they’re kids. let them be. they just wanna play. but you know they’re really loud and rowdy. hahahaha
it’s a day off work today. i have to do some important shit. i have to go back to that thing later in the afternoon and sign some papers. you know how i don’t really take a rest. coz i don’t need to. but there are some really important things that i need to do. and it’s part of my grand plan. well. it’s good to know that things are all on the right track. and somehow in the right time frames.
but this morning i have to bring keira to the local bike shop. she needs some tune up. she needs to be in top shape. and she’s long overdue already. anyway, i can handle my migraine now. it’s a little bit better than yesterday. but it still hurts.
there was a quarter pipe at the bike shop. play time. and the mechanic guy jeff was like hey you should try riding that pipe. of course i have a thousand reasons prepared. i don’t wanna let their customers see me do another face plant on that asphalt. hahaha it’s better to just leave them wondering. hahahaha
the bike shop is pretty far. about 6 miles one way probably. so i already have my 12 mile cardio for the day. i still have the migraine so im straight for the day. but if i feel a little bit better, then probably i’ll run. LOL
i just can’t resist the adrenaline and the endorphins, you know. it is euphoria for me. a natural high. and it’s addicting. now. does that make me a junkie? endorphin junkie. adrenaline junkie. sounds like fun to me. hahaha
“see i miss you most days
in kaleidoscope ways”
(the alternate routes)
ska. reggae. music genre. these kind of songs are in my playlist as well. oh i love these. these songs connect me to a place that i really love. these kind of songs always remind me of a beach. the sound of the waves. the gentle breeze. and beautiful sunsets. perfect world.
a time of solitude. a moment of being alone. some of you probably needs some time to be alone too. well. being alone is a temporary escape from a chaotic world. it’s the moment spent alone that you refocus and rethink about your plans. it’s like a retreat not because you accept defeat but just a period of rest in order to be back for more. it’s more of a realigning thing after analyzing things about what’s going on. it’s more about getting ready for what lies ahead.
solitude is my strength. it doesn’t make me lonely. it fires me up. it excites me to be back for more. it’s more of a recharging thing for me. but i cant stay alone for long. it’s just a period just like a lull. coz i will always be back and deal with what i started. coz i will always be back for more.
“sitting smoking feeling high
and in this moment it feels so right”
(dave matthews band)
12:40 pm.
i have to go in a while. later.
9:36 pm.
i still have a slight migraine.
but the rest of my day went perfectly well. i already signed the paper thing this afternoon. we’re on a roll now. i’ll just wait for time to unfold. nice.
somehow there’s that silver lining behind the darkest of clouds. but it’s still dark, you know. at least. hope began to breathe again. it is coming back to life. and in the strangest of ways, it is better.
i was with my old friend again. the word old in the context here will mean two things. old friend coz he’s one of the lastest friends i have in the span of the past ten years. and on the other hand, an old friend would mean the old friend. yes. way older than me. 98 years old.
well. time with him would always be like this. the fake laughs. hahahaha seriously, though we talk about some serious shit as well, we laugh most of the time. about the things that’s happening. about things we see around us. about us. hahahaha but the dude is cool. he still walks at 98 though. oh i just could smell the scent of the flowers and of the grass everytime. LOL
“is it getting better?
or do you feel the same?
will it make it easier on you now?”
(U2)
fears. i said fears would always stop us from achieving things. it is in the conquering of our own deepest fears that we begin to have the courage to do the things we wanna do in this life. fear is just in the mind and it blocks all the things that start in our minds. unfortunately, all things start in the mind. coz everything starts in believing.
i have issues with heights. up to now, every time my bike’s wheels leaves the ramp for a take off, i would always be a little panicky inside. if i cant contain that small spark of panic, then i would eventually lose control in mid air. and bam. a really hard crash landing. hahahaha and it’s the same thing with the really steep and fast technical descents. probably some traumatic crashes back then still linger in my subconscious up to now. and those things trigger that panic somehow. but these things dont stop me from doing it over and over again. and of course crashing over and over again. LOL but it’s the only way to conquer that thing. it’s the only way to conquer the fear. you just gotta face it and stare it in the eye. coz you just cant hide away from those things. it will just haunt you down. every time.
but the thing is, the ultimate control is in you. you are with your bike in mid air and the only thing that can control it is you. so you just have to be on top of the situation. always stay with the bike. trust your instincts. be fluid. go with the flow. however high that jump is, the bike’s suspension will absorb all the impact on landing especially on a tranny. focus. concentrate. kill those butterflies in your tummy. then you’ll be good.
roller coasters . though it’s much safer than a flying bike, i still wont do it. i wanna have control on the things i do. i can’t just wait for things to happen. i wanna make things happen. i think riding on roller coasters is like passive fun. passive adrenaline.
that’s what i think based on what i am. but i know it’s fun as well. i see people enjoying as well. but it’s not just my thing. coz i have issues with heights. and the things beyond my control. LOL
if you try to relate it to living, then probably it would mean the same thing. i guess so.
“you’ll always be in my life
even if i’m not in your life
because you’re in my memory
(enrique iglesias)
modeling. scale modeling. this was one of my passions years ago. yes. i was into building airplanes, tanks, choppers, soldiers and a few dioramas. you know how the hobby works. you assemble the thing, glue the pieces together, paint it and weather it. the objective is how to make it as close to real as possible. it’s made of resin or plastic so the trick is how to make it look like steel. yes. just like the real thing. but only scaled down to 1:35 or 1:16 etc. etc. but the magic is in the detail. how to really paint the eyes as close to being real. how to project rust on the tracks of a tank. how to project an oil spill marks on an armor. how to project a metal tarnish or a dent. how to make a crack on a windshield. are you still with me? LOL
i had the complete gear. i still do. the triple zero and the rest of the skinny detailing brushes. the magnifiers. the acrylic and enamel paints. the airbrush. the files. the sprue cutter. and stuff. sounds like a pro, huh? hahahaha
but in my never ending hunger to learn more for the mastery of the craft, i researched what i did. if i wanna do the vietnam war era, then i would read about it and check some pictures about that era. i remember one of my masterpieces is a diorama i called “zippo raids” in 1:35 scale. i made a vietnamese nipa hut and burned it. oh that was so cool. it looked so real. it was really like the zippo raid thing.
eventually, the hobby was elevated into a passion. yes. it became my passion. and i was becoming good at it. i signed up in an online forum that time and i started posting pictures of my finished products. oh dude. the european guys were wondering how i did those things. they just loved it. hahahaha of course, nothing beats an appreciation for a job well done. and that made me worked for more. that made me strive to be better. every finished model became better and better each time. oh i felt like i was such a pro.
but the more important thing to it was the learning i had. it was more of a therapy than a hobby or a passion. obviously it stirred up the artist in me. it honed my creativity. it made me think outside the box. i learned more beyond than just perfecting how to make the model. it made me interested in the history behind a thing i do like a tank or a chopper or a point in the world’s history. and those things were learned or relearned outside the four walls of the classroom.
on the other hand, what’s an even more important point in the learning curve was it made me pay attention more to the details. it taught me more of the virtue of patience. so as not to mess up what i was doing, i learned to wait. it helped me to contain and manage my emotions. that passion gave me the soft touch on life. it molded me. it made me better. it has become a part of what i am today.
yes. i can manage my emotions better now. i am always in full control. yes. i learned that most of the time i this life you have to wait. and patience is an essential in life. somehow, it ushered me more into a different level of maturity. that’s how i evolved. that’s a great part of this journey. isn’t that just great?
just like riding a bike, driving or typing, it’s an acquired skill, you know. it’s already in you and in your system. i know i still can nail it. i still can do it. sometimes, i would go into hobby shops out here and check out what they have. at times, there are some displays of the works of some hobbyists. oh dude. i can do way better than what they did. hahahahaha i can smoke them like shit.
now that’s what you can call the K. konfidence. LOL
we are still in a recap mode. it’s barely three days to go for the book I. but this will go on. and so is the journey.
well. it has been a day. happy. hopeful. some sunshine i guess. but we’ll see.
but migraine sucks so bad. it still does. im in the second day already. and the pain is still there.
why don’t you take some time to read my last quote for tonight. coz it really makes sense.
“i beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(ranier maria rilke)
well?
now let’s walk together into the sunset and let’s kick some ass along the way. we will prevail. party on!
11:40 pm.
im out.
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