twenty three ten zero nine
“with the lights out, it’s less dangerous
here we are now, entertain us”
(nirvana)
8:10 am.
three words. raining. bus day. retards.
the retards were well-behaved. hahaha it’s raining and its cold plus a little bit windy at about 20 mph. its raining so we can’t ride our bikes to the bus stop. we have to walk with our umbrellas. but it was still fun. coz we were singing in the rain. where is bussy, where is bussy, he is dead, he is dead….. hahahahaha it’s the new school. tragic nursery rhymes. role model. oh kids these days have more fun. LOL
later.
“you’re my Mona Lisa, you’re my rainbow skies…”
(joshua kadison)
8:55 pm.
its one of the best songs on my play list. i run to it. i ride my bike to it. i walk to it. i love it. coz there’s more beyond that song.
back to where it all started. perfect. timeless. boundless. endless. wow. it’s still amazing.
it’s still raining. and its raining hard. winds at 15 mph is equal to inverted umbrellas. hahahaha but it sucks. i cant run. still cant. and its been 5 days already. too much energy building up on me now. hmm. maybe i’ll run inside the house. hahahaha
well. later.
“but i cant feed on the powerless
when my cups already overfilled”
(temple of the dog)
11:54 pm.
back!
earlier today, i was asking a lady at the museum about a beetle ring that she wore. it was sweet and she said she had it customized. she was so excited explaining it to me. obviously it was her passion. it was a scarab bettle. and she was telling me that scarab beetles in ancient egypt symbolizes birth and death. interesting, huh? but what struck me was her knowledge about the thing. its her passion thats why. she really know it by heart and i can see it through her eyes. there was no time for google checks. she had it straight right from her stock knowledge pool, dude. and things like those always amaze me. it’s some kind of depth check for me.
i am also fascinated by the culture of the early egyptians. you know that theirs was also a part of the cradle of the early civilization. while we were still monkeys according to the theory of mr darwin, they were already building the pyramids. they were already engineers and architects. LOL its how advance they were back then.
and this would explain why i would like to see the pyramids at first light. yes. the beauty of those pyramids at sunrise. oh i always think it’s really sweet. and this would also explain the hieroglyphics tattooed on my back.
what if someone explains metaphysics like it was so easy. oh i would be really fascinated. coz even if you try reading it online, it’s some kind of a really deepest shit. hahahaha
but you know that there’s a trick to everything. sometimes you could pull off explaining a thing really like a pro. yes. even if you dont have the full knowledge about it. coz the real convincing power is how you deliver those lines. coupled with the right facial expressions. the perfect expression of the eyes and the tone of the voice. and the body language. well. most of the times, it’s the singer and not the song. hahahaha
“it takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
be yourself no matter what they say”
(sting)
i think we should be always happy with all the things that we do in life. this is a motivation of sorts. coz if you’re happy, you can never be tired at all. if you’re happy and contented, you will never stop doing it. it will always make sense to you. being happy with it boils down to loving it. and if you’re loving it then it becomes a passion. and you know what passions are. you learn it by heart. and by learning it, you begin to master it. and you’ll be good at it. and from mastery comes excellence.
but if you’re not happy with it then you will somehow be less motivated. then you start to see the not so perfect parts. you see the loopholes. you start not to like it anymore. it stops making sense to you. you easily get tired. and you start to complain. then you refuse to understand even the smallest of things.
but i think if things start not to make sense anymore, you can always stop doing it. you can stop instantly you know. it’s not that you dont have a choice, you always have a choice.
thats what happened to my drinking habit. when it stopped making sense anymore, i stopped instantaneously. coz im not happy with it anymore. but i still could drink if i want to. coz it’s not the drinking per se, it’s the company and the laughter that goes with it. and that makes the drinking habit fun, right?
i’ve rolled with the lions and the eagles. i’ve seen the best of times. and i will be seeing more. and now in the transition, im rolling in the low lands. and in my journey, i saw that as long as you have love in whatever it is that you do, you will always shine. you will always excel. you will always rise above. the secret probably is putting your all to it, your heart and your mind. and i think that’s just what it is.
so do what you like. and like what you do.
“…takes a man to make a stand, sometimes get wild
be yourself, no matter what they say”
(shinehead)
12:30 am.
one way street. that’s what i call a one way love. obviously it’s not the mutual thing. i think it’s more like a passive kind of love. it’s like talking to a wall. it’s like loving a non living thing. but how long can someone endure that kind of love? hahaha well. we’re just humans and we have a need to be loved in return as well. and the need to be appreciated in return too. that’s why a one way street kind of love no matter how enduring you can be will always hurt sometime somehow. but you know, there’s this another kind of a higher love they call unconditional. coz they say even if you’re just ignored and rejected, it’s the feeling that you get from it that makes you stay and come back for more. somehow that’s the reason why they chose to endure and stay. coz it makes them feel good or even better, i guess. well.
it’s a decision. its a choice. and we never can understand it till we are in it. that’s true. but if you’re loving on a higher level, you are always prepared to let go as well. coz love in a higher level is not selfish. if need be for the happiness of a loved one, you can always step down, back off and let go. it will hurt of course, but the happiness of the other is more of a priority than yours. wow. and that’s amazing about loving. it’s not just the kissing and the birds and the bees. there’s more underneath it. and it’s deeper.
“at night a candle’s brighter than the sun”
(sting)
i have a way of motivating myself. it’s a thing i learned along the way. it’s like pumping yourself up to go on and be excited about tomorrow. and these come in rewards and treats. i treat myself with material things for a job well done. i reward myself for an achievement. it’s some kind of an instant gratification thing. and i reward myself before doing something great or hard. so before or after an achievement, i get myself a treat. these things add more excitement in me. it pumps me up even more. it makes me happy.
it’s true that material things make you happy. but i learned that it cannot sustain happiness. it will last for only a couple of days. the maximum i had experienced was only a week. it’s not a sustainable happiness. probably greed kicks in and makes you want more. but i think that’s human nature. in short, just like the thing they call love, you can never buy happiness.
but i think, the only sustainable happiness in this world is something intangible. it’s not in the material things. it’s something inside. coz there will never be a price for happiness. same is true with love. it’s what your heart really wants. it’s what your heart really longs for.
i also write about a gate. always. somehow it’s a reference for something else. symbolic for a point in time. but you know how gates are. it’s like a border between two different sides. the boundary between the inside and the outside. but the question is which side are you on now.
but i know exactly where i stand. and once the gates open, i’ll just cross over the other side. but right now, im already standing near the gate. and the other side is just a single step away. and that one last step will make the big difference. it’s like such a small step from here to there. but on a bigger scale, it’s gonna be a giant leap in my whole journey. it is the very first step to going home. soon.
and i know, even if it’s just a single step away, it’s a totally different world on the other side. it will feel different. it will smell different. and surely, it will look different. i can see things from where im at now.
well. it has been a journey. i’m tired. i’m weary. im fucked up somehow. but im still breathing. hoping. trying to be happy. dreaming to be happy. someday i will. probably. in this life.
enjoy your weekend, guys. im out.
1:11 am.
“sometimes in our confusion, we see not the world as it is,
but the world though eyes blurred by the mind”
(anonymous)
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