sixteen zero six zero nine
“So what is love then, is it dictated or chosen?
Does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years?
Or is it just pop emotion?
And if it ever was there and it left,
Does it mean it was never true?
And to exist, it must elude
Is that why I think these things of you?”
(emily ann saliers)
10:46 pm.
well, obviously im back. its been what? almost two weeks in hibernation. well, i really needed that lull. i need to figure more things out. i need to put myself together. its been so shitty out here, thats why. its been chaotic. as always, i guess.
for the past days, i searched not for answers but for more questions. i gave up on looking for those answers to all my questions, i guess. so i looked for more questions. more and more questions just popped up from everywhere. well. i dont need answers anymore. i guess.
do things still make sense? probably. coz if it doesn’t, then ill not be here anymore. if it doesn’t make sense anymore then ill not be back here writing again this daily shit. i guess.
is there really a gate? oh yeah. hell yeah. the gate is in my hands. i own the gate. i set the pace. i am the negotiator on my own negotiating table. i am the gatekeeper. i hold the lock and key, dude. so obviously, the gate is gonna be there always.
but is there a bridge beyond the gate? that i cant guarantee. coz the bridge is not my call. its on somebody else’s hands. its not all mine to give, dude. though i try so hard to keep that bridge, its not under my control. there might be or there might not be a bridge after all.
so what if there’s really no bridge beyond those gates? well. its another crossroad, i guess. and that’s one of the things i figured out the past days. yes. the path that im gonna lead on that crossroad. and guess what? i feel i am ready for any eventuality now. than ever. i dont want to be in another deep shit scenario again. it sucks. i’ve been there. and i dont wanna be in there again. i dont wanna be whining and all again, dude. this time, i know where to go. and i am preparing that other path now. you know, in case. and so far, its been in its proper perspective. i guess i’m ready. but you know what? we cant really tell till that time comes. probably, i’ll end up whining again. damn! i guess not, dude. i hope so.
so where the hell did i go the past days? well. it’s been another journey, i guess. a journey somewhere. a journey deeper. a journey into solitude and meditation. a journey into a mental conditioning of the things to come. a visualization of the worst scenario at the crossroads. getting ready. being prepared. psychologically. mentally. physically.
“Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And….as the years go by
Until there’s no tears left to cry
‘Til the angels close my eyes
And even if we’re worlds apart
I’ll find my way back to you…
By heart.”
(jim brickman)
well. i guess that’s why after all, after the long lull and hibernation, i still go back. that’s probably why i’m still here. maybe its like an internal homing device. maybe its like a human beacon, where you always go back to where your heart is. no matter what the pain. beneath all the fucking rejections and all. you still find your way back. yes by heart. though it hurts, aint that still amazing?
well. the two weeks almost passed by unnoticed. a house across the street was burnt down by some bad kids. a couple of drug busts just on the parking lot. a number of car windows busted here and there. last thursday marked the start of the summer vacation for kids from elementary across middle school and high school and all the bad kids are on the streets. the weather is getting warmer and warmer and this hot weather keeps the tempers up to the nines, dude. well. its just like what we see in the movies, dude. pretty much.
does anything get any better out here? well. i suppose not, dude.
well. i am the pilgrim and i am in the heart of the ghettos. on the eastside of the all time high most dangerous city in the mainland. and to date, the highest in the unemployment rate across the mainland. and they say, its not even rock bottom yet. oh dude, the worst times are yet to come. but the worse times are already here.
anyhow, im still here. so far, im still alive. surviving is the best term, i guess.
well. time for me to go. it felt nice to start writing again. to start talking again. to start sharing my thoughts again. to connect with you again.
11:40 pm.
oh yes. love should be always chosen. never dictated.
im out.
“It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
(alanis morissette)
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