eleven zero five zero nine

10:41 pm.

“I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the rush of your skin
I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in…”      (matt nathanson)

hey.  today is mss bruce’s bday.  well.  nothing much.  we had some lunch food.  yes.  some chicken shack.  yes that box sitting in the fridge for 3 days now.  hahaha  damn.  left over food.

it has been a long journey for me so far.  well.  there are things i have seen.  there are things i have learned.  i realized that the only thing unchanging in this world is change.  everything changes.  everybody does too.  well.  some dont but eventually they do change.  some change for the better.  some change for the worse.  some forget.  but some do remember. 

one perfect example is the case of loving.  its never constant as well.  some love deeper and deeper.   and some love more and more as time changes.  but some love lesser and lesser each day too which ends up only in pretending to be.  you know what im sayin?   for others, the degree of love wanes with no communication.  its like a outta sight, outta mind kinda thing.  but for others, it gets even stronger by the day.  yes.  even without a link of communication.  yes.  thats true.  hmmm. interesting, aint it?

for me, i never go in if i dont know how to go out.  you know what im sayin?  in anything i do, i dont easily indulge in a thing which i cant ever turn my back around anytime i ever want to.  what im sayin is, before i go in, i already know where and how to bail out.  coz the thing is, i should be able to bail out at any given time.  i should be able to pin point possible exit points along the way even before i enter that door.  i dont wanna take risks of entanglement.  all i wanna take are calculated kind of risks.  i dont wanna be in a very awkward situation and be put on the spot.  you know what im sayin?  its parallel to my thing about hoping, i guess.  if i ever hope, i dont hope much coz there’s nothing to hope for to begin with.  and so far in my longest journey, i never ever did that thing.  till now. 

relative to what im sayin, whats done can always be undone.  if you can go in, you can always go out.  for every entry point, there will always be a corresponding ten exit points.  there will always be loopholes and black holes.   those things i have seen along my journey.  and those things i know are always real.  coz i had been in the same situations time and time again.   and i always exposed myself to those things.  and i can always bail out and i had always bailed out even in more complicated scenarios.  till now.

i have just learned that there are things in life that you can never undo.  even if you want to.  believe me.  there’s a thing that i had been desperately and persistently trying to undo.  but it seems i cant.  i always try to tell myself that it makes no sense at all.  but it always ends up making sense all the time.  i always try to seek for an explanation, but i never can.  its been three years, i guess.  and i still cant undo it up to this very minute.  i still cant find an explanation for it up to this very moment.  and it still make so much sense each day since day one till the third year and still counting.  and it goes stronger and stronger as time moves on. 

oh dude, can you ever believe that?  its kinda funny, you know.  its somehow crazy coz its not me at all.  but its just amazing. its become a phenomenon now, i guess.  im beginning to believe its a gift.  im beginning to be convinced that somehow it was made to be this way.  but dont worry.  im still trying to undo the thing even if it seems i cant.  im still trying to turn my back against it even if i only find myself facing it each time.  im still trying to drop it from my system even though i still end up carrying and enduring it.  im still trying to forget about it once and for all even if i still end up thinking about it all the time.  im still trying to find the right explanation for the thing even if i cant even found a single reason for it.   i wanna stop caring but i end up still caring about it, dude.  i wanna stop loving but i still end up being so crazy about the thing.  i wanna give up on hoping but i end up still hoping even though there’s nothing to hope about.  isnt that something, dude?  ill be damned.

today another incident happened at the ghettos.  there was another police chase.  and there was this bus who was eventually stopped and blocked by cops.  they were all over, dude.  it was like in the movies where all the cops had all the guns already out, dude.  and its just like fifty steps from the place i worked.  its so crazy.  bruce went out trying to get some piece of information about whats happening.  hahahaha  and i was following him.  LOL  oh dude, if the bad guys opened fire, we might have been caught in the crossfire.  hahahaha  damn.  i still dunno what really happened.  ill check the internet later.  but thats how crazy it is out here, dude.  exciting is the right term, i guess.

bruce brought his bike to the store.  he wants me to fix the thing.  he has a roadbike.  but it looks like its more than fifty years old already.  hahahaha  oh dude.  its so old.  i mean its older than the old school road bikes, dude.  hahahaha  its still made of steel.  and not even the aero dynamic types.  LOL  it looks so hilarious, dude. 

anyway, its with me now.  ill try to fix it.  hope i can.  hahahaha  why?  i dont wanna put him down, dude.  coz he always believes i can.  hahahaha  remember his pathfinder’s car stereo and how i fixed it?  oh dude.  accidental hero.  again.  hahahaha  at least someone still believes in me, dude.  somehow.

well.  time to go.  another day gone by.  another step closer.  still here.  still alive.  still breathing.  what else?  lets die another day. 

12:02 am.  im out now, dudes. 

“oh pleasure, you’re indeed a pleasant thing
although one must be damned for you no doubt
i make a resolution every spring
of reformation ere the year run out”          (Lord Byron)

~ by the fortunate pilgrim on May 11, 2009.