what ifs, what could have beens
an array of unending questions
a distant place, a moment in time
for once it was almost mine
’twas a cold night, drizzling
windy and raining
on a beachfront yuletide
that moment to deride
such distinct hearts in unison
a first time in motion
too confused and perplexed
just didn’t know what’s next.
mahiwagang buhay nakapagtataka
ngunit minsa’y nakakabalisa
maraming nagdaang alaala
bumabalik sa isang kisapmata
sa isang sulok pala ng isipan nakatago
pira-pirasong larawang ulit na bumubuo
sa isang salamin ng kahapon
datapwat sa tuwina’y tumutugon
kung saan ang lahat nagsimula’y
muling bumabalik sa dapit-hapon ng buhay
at kung bakit nasa tamang panahon ang lahat
isang malaking tanong sa muling pagkamulat.
9:29 am.
“these are little scraps of magic & when you paste them together you get a memory
of something fine & strong, she said. sometimes it takes till you’re 40 to see it though.”
(story people)
well. we have come to the last log of this journal. it’s been a year of a journey documented in this daily log. my dreams. my aspirations. the pain. the anguish. the longing. the fun. the excitement. my convictions and my passions.
it is a story of love and hate. it is a journey without a clear destination. an endless journey to a thing i always call my home. a never-ending quest for happiness. but we will never know for now. but two things are certain at this point. this journey might find me home or might find me dead somewhere.
however, this last log is not reserved for good byes. for this journey goes on. for there will always be stories to share. there will always be songs to sing. there will always be those sweet rhymes and the right reasons. there will always be a beach with beautiful sunsets. and writing is always gonna be a part of this journey.
it’s always more than meets the eye. things are always more than just being skin deep. there’s more beyond the ink and the gauges. there’s always more than all the words and the lines i can forever write on here.
“i am not afraid to walk this world alone
…nothing you can say can stop me going home”
(my chemical romance)
anyhow, there are things that i have to be grateful about as well. that in spite of it all, despite all the rejections, the death wish and the dangerous grounds, i am still here today writing this shit.
there had been crashes and more hard falls. there had been rock bottom moments. there had been the darkest of nights. but just like a phoenix, i had always come out of my own ashes and still make it through. coz out of my own ashes, i will still burn. burn for all the things i believe in.
but i guess now is the right time to thank all those people i met in this journey. some i rolled with and some i met at the crossroads. while some were just standing along the way. some have left this world already while some left during the dark of night. and some don’t exist in my world anymore.
you guys have been a part of me and my journey. i learned a lot of things from you. and those learnings from life somehow molded me. it made me stronger. better. tougher. it made me sharper and even wiser i suppose. street wise and street smart that is. it made me what i am today.
and my appreciation goes to the one reading these logs as well. you might be a regular reader. or you might just happen to drop by. or probably just a starter who accidentally came across this thing. somehow, you became a part of my life too.
a big appreciation to the ones i call my blood as well. my grandma slash mom. and the rest in the circle. somehow, you guys made me hang on for a little bit more. thank you for everything so far. i will always cherish those things in my heart forever.
to the stars. to the biggest star. and to that north star. thanks for paving and lighting the dark path. always keep that light on.
and many thanks to the lifelines as well. a mom. a dog. a bike. and an irony.
and to the spark that ignited it all. it was, it is and it will always be a perfect spontaneous combustion. it was some sort of a higher form of an inspiration that gave me the wings somehow. big thanks as well.
as i always say on here, nothing and no one is always left unappreciated. my big thanks goes to you all guys.
well. after the revelry and the fireworks comes the silence. after all the applause, the final curtain drops. then you get to face the reality of it all. and it bites.
after all is said and done, it’s just a pilgrim and his precious metals. a guy and his homeys. two bikes and a skateboard. some gear. an mp3 player. this laptop. and millions of miles more to walk, ride and run always anchored on a dream of a home.
the journey lives on. coz i will never stop exploring. i will never stop traveling. till i reach that destination. where there will be more reasons to stay than leave again.
and i always hope i will live to see the day.
yes. i will be out for a while. life has to get in the way first.
but someday i will be back to write my thoughts. again. and we will talk. again.
keep shining. keep smiling. be happy. be safe. and stay warm.
so long guys.
rock on!
10:45 am.
and i am out.
“and no grown-up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important!”
(antoine de saint-exupery, the little prince)
1:19 am.
“did you find what you were after
the pain and the laughter brought you to your knees”
(ben harper)
in an hour from now, DST is gonna end. it’s gonna be an hour earlier. it’s the start of those even shorter days, i guess. it’s gonna be darker earlier than the usual. now it’s gonna be more depressing. well.
trick or treat!
treat. treat is for the kids who dressed up and go around for treats. well, the museum is no different. and i enjoy these moments. you can see how happy and excited these kids are collecting treats like chocolates and chips and a lot of food stuff.
but you know how it is out here. they’re loud, wild and rowdy. ghetto kids. and you just have to be very careful especially those guys wearing masks. you just can never be sure dude. wolves are just about everywhere waiting to strike on unsuspecting ones. so i just stayed outside to give away those treats to the kids. oh i felt like santa. but wait. it’s halloween so i should be mr. death. the grim reaper himself giving those kids the treats. hahahaha
trick. now this part is for the bigger kids. the adults. hahaha you know how it is out here. devil’s night. angel’s night. at about this time probably some abandoned house somewhere in the D is on fire. pyromania is an ongoing tradition out here on this time of the year. that’s how crazy they are. well. out here, an abandoned house is always a porno for pyros.
1:26 am.
oh yes. freedom has it’s own price.
im out.
“you can’t climb
till you’re ready to fall”
(ben lee)
“everything will be alright
if you just stay the night”
(rachael yamagata)
12:47 am.
it was a no run day. again. it was raining. oh great. it was windy with winds at 20 mph but kinda humid though. forecast tomorrow is even a higher chance of rain. oh dude. but sunday is gonna be sunny. well. it’s the season of fall. obviously.
i am always amazed at the behavior of butterflies. i wrote about my thoughts on their metamorphosis and the relation of their life stages to living. it’s an evolution as well. i realized that there is more to life than just being a caterpillar or a pupa. after we fully develop into full-grown butterflies, there is more to life than just be stuck in a single leaf or a single plant. as we begin to spread our own wings and learn to fly, we start to discover that there is a bigger and a more beautiful world out there waiting for us.
of all the butterfly species, i am more into the monarch butterflies. well. aside from their sweet color patterns, their behavior on migration is amazing as well. in the fall, they travel southward. but in the springtime, they travel due north. they are the only butterflies of their species capable of doing a transatlantic flight. their behavior on migration is just like that of the migratory birds. it’s a very dangerous journey for them and many lose their lives along the way. and no single monarch butterfly ever made it through the transatlantic round trip flight. and this wonder of nature is still a subject of research until today.
their migration is an essential part of their life and reproductive cycle. probably they are traveling south about 2,000 miles for their home in the winter. and only to travel north bound again for their home in the springtime.
and the same is true with the migratory behavior of the nomadic types of whales. they travel thousands of miles as well to be home. safe on their home grounds for mating, calving and feeding.
i think it’s the same case about the thing i call going home as well. after the long, cold and darkest winter, you go back north which is homeward bound. you follow the bearings northward as you travel for home. home in time for spring. the spring of a new life and a new beginning.
this story of nature tells us something. that even in the wild, the essence of a home never changes. home is still where your heart will be. home is still where your heart longs to be. home is still where your heart is. for a home spells safety in spite all the dangers that lurk around us. it is and will always be our comfort zone. it is our warmth amidst the biting cold. it’s where all our love is beneath all the hate. it is our inner peace in all the chaos. it is everything we ever hope for in this life.
can i ever make it home? now i’m beginning to wonder if i really deserve to have a home to begin with. well?
i’m out.
12:59 am.
“when i’m all alone it’s
the best way to be.
when i’m by myself
nobody else can say goodbye”
(edi brickell and the new bohemians)
“all five horizons revolved around her soul
as the earth to the sun”
(pearl jam)
10:31 pm.
tonight’s run was so much perfect. everything was synchronized. the breathing. the pacing. the sounds. the sights. the mental conditioning. the inspiration. the weather. the body coordination. and all the works. on a night like this, i could run into forever.
running is my therapy. it is a workout for me as well. i do not go for mass. i do not go for volume. coz most of the times, having the mass is not an indication of real strength. it might be just another fluffy pillow on your inner most being. i don’t wanna be like another johnny bravo as well. i don’t want to be another muscular system model. i don’t wanna be a skeletal model as well. LOL
i just wanna bring down my weight to the lowest range possible as per my BMI. coz having the perfect weight ratio would mean you could throw your weight around anytime. it spells agility. running would just tone down my muscles. it would eventually define them. and it would help shed whatever extras you have on.
everything would boil down to moderation. so it’s gonna be not too much on body mass or not too much on being skinny either. it is a balance. coz somewhere in between is the moderation. it is the equilibrium. and in it comes the real strength. now, does it make sense?
“i run from hate
i run from prejudice
i run from pessimists
but i run too late
i run my life
or is it running me
run from my past
i run too fast
or too slow it seems”
(lady antebellum)
two more days to go before the end of this one year of daily logs. and in these last days of the logs, i am into summarizing the more important points written on here. some of them you may find redundant. but that’s just what it is. it is my convictions that’s why. it is in the repetition that enhances the visualization of the dreams. it is in the constant repetition that you can stress the points you wanna drive through.
so die all those who betray. this is a quote inked on me. it is a quote from one of the books of my favorite authors of all time. mario puzo. it’s from one of his great books, the sicilian.
that phrase is a part of my convictions as well. it may not be the physical death. but it would mean a theoretical death in so many ways.
all along this long journey, i had meet so many people along the way. some of them pissed me off. some of them dissed me out. and there are some stories of betrayal along the way. and those kind of people don’t have a space in me anymore. i don’t tolerate those kind of people in any possible way. in my world, they don’t exist anymore. in my world, they’re already dead a long time ago. and i don’t give a damn about them anymore. i don’t give a fuck about them anymore.
“i crouch like a crow
contrasting the snow
for the agony i’d rather know”
(bon iver)
taking pictures. this is one of my passions as well. i only use a regular point and shoot digital camera but i have some great captures. i had some beautiful macro shots as well. and people who know something about photography say that i have the eye for it. it’s some kind of a gift. hmmm. i just love shooting those pics. and the good thing is, i do it differently each time. coz i just love those radical angles. i like those out of tune compositions.
taking a picture is capturing moments in freeze frames. and capturing those moments in stills only reminds us that a moment is only a moment. it could not happen again in time. it’s a reminder that things don’t last forever.
and a perfect way to document specific moments of this journey is through a collective of stills. a first person point of view of the stages of this journey. and this daily log to back it up. isn’t that great?
that’s why im elevating this passion into a higher level. i’m gonna give myself a treat for christmas. i’m gonna write a letter to santa. hahahaha yes. i’m giving myself a digital single lens reflex camera this christmas. yay!!! a dslr for xmas. wow. im so excited now. hahahaha oh i wish it’s december already. hahaha
“everything you can imagine is real”
(pablo picasso)
i don’t take all things sitting down. i know i am always empowered. i know i always have a choice in all the things that i do. as i always say on here, no one and nothing can mess with free will.
i go where i wanna go. i say what i wanna say. i speak my mind. i think out loud. i stop instantly when things lose their meaning. i stop instantly when things start not to make sense anymore.
and i don’t even care anymore. coz this is just a quest for the holy grail i call happiness. happiness in a home. the end of this long and tiring journey. the warmth of the home. or the bitter cold of the grave.
and that’s why i drop all the things that don’t make me happy anymore.
but this question always lingers in me. is happiness really mine to keep?
11:22 pm.
i’m out.
“it takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.”
(e. e. cummings)
“dance till you fall. love till you die.
shut your mouth.”
(carbon leaf)
8:53 am.
awake is the new sleep.
i got up with still that migraine on. oh dude. is this a different thing? something must be wrong with me, i think.
is this it? if i have to go, i dont wanna suffer no more. and if i really have to go, i wanna go in a flash. please make it quick and fast. too much pain was all there was. and all there is.
later.
“how i wish everything was simple…”
(olivia broadfield)
11:35 pm.
the kids near the gas station were again playing on their front yard. they’re my friends now, you know. whenever they see me we would have the usual high five exchange and they would walk with me up to a certain point. it’s during this walks that they get their free spanish tutorials from me. today one of the kids was like hey what’s dipuga? it means you’re cool. hahahaha
they have the same welcome and parting words all the time. you know how it is. they only have the dora spanish. so their intro word is hola. and the parting words would be adios diego. hahaha oh yeah. im diego. LOL
the letter R always ruled my life. it still does actually. R is the very first rejection i had back in day one. R is for those rejections. R is rhyme. R is reasons. R is rebirth. R is rediscovery. R is re-engineering. R is realignment. R is refocus. R is relentless. R is resilient. R is repose. and this letter R is inked on me as well.
the pain is still on. i still have that migraine pain. but wth?? i ran. i dont even care anymore.
my run today was a mix of a walk and run. i walked about 8% of the total distance. i dont have a heart monitor but i felt my heart was overworking. it was about to be overloaded. so i had to stop if i dont wanna end up lying on a pavement somewhere.
i had a hard time synchronizing everything during the run. the breathing. the pacing. everything. that’s probably why my heart was almost on overloaded mode. i was not in my zone. i was not feeling well.
duck the migraine. duck the pain. duck this life. it always sucks. i don’t know anymore. i dont wanna think about it anymore. duck. duck this.
im out.
11:53 pm.
“i said hell is so close, and heavens out of reach,
but i ain’t giving up quite yet…”
(augustana)
“maybe sometimes, we’ve got it wrong, but it’s alright
the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
oh, don’t you hesitate”
(corrine bailey rae)
11:57 am.
yesterday i was a total mess. i had the worst migraine attack in like forever. i felt like my head was being cut into two parts. vertically. and my eyes. oh dude. it was like being poked by a jackhammer. somehow it’s an exagerration. but it was killing me. it still hurts now as i write this log.
this migraine started early yesterday. i ran out of chocolates in my backpack. and i felt that my sugar level is going down. you know how it is with me. sleep debts. eating debts. too much already. payback time, i guess. and coke can’t stabilize it anymore. so i have to suffer for it. even the double dose tylenols can do nothing anymore in times like these.
but still i wanna run you know. i wanna do another first. run with the migraine on. i was ready and just waiting for the tylenols to act on the pain. but it didn’t. and i have to surrender to the pain. i have no other choice. i have to rest.
today is another bus day. the retards of course. it’s those kids i miss everytime it’s not a bus day. and today they were no different. the usual stuff. they were yelling and screaming and running around so early in the morning. and the grown ups at the bus stop are always pissed off at them. but i enjoy that moment all the time. i enjoy how those retards act. but i enjoy more how those grown ups react. hahahahaha oh dude. they’re kids. let them be. they just wanna play. but you know they’re really loud and rowdy. hahahaha
it’s a day off work today. i have to do some important shit. i have to go back to that thing later in the afternoon and sign some papers. you know how i don’t really take a rest. coz i don’t need to. but there are some really important things that i need to do. and it’s part of my grand plan. well. it’s good to know that things are all on the right track. and somehow in the right time frames.
but this morning i have to bring keira to the local bike shop. she needs some tune up. she needs to be in top shape. and she’s long overdue already. anyway, i can handle my migraine now. it’s a little bit better than yesterday. but it still hurts.
there was a quarter pipe at the bike shop. play time. and the mechanic guy jeff was like hey you should try riding that pipe. of course i have a thousand reasons prepared. i don’t wanna let their customers see me do another face plant on that asphalt. hahaha it’s better to just leave them wondering. hahahaha
the bike shop is pretty far. about 6 miles one way probably. so i already have my 12 mile cardio for the day. i still have the migraine so im straight for the day. but if i feel a little bit better, then probably i’ll run. LOL
i just can’t resist the adrenaline and the endorphins, you know. it is euphoria for me. a natural high. and it’s addicting. now. does that make me a junkie? endorphin junkie. adrenaline junkie. sounds like fun to me. hahaha
“see i miss you most days
in kaleidoscope ways”
(the alternate routes)
ska. reggae. music genre. these kind of songs are in my playlist as well. oh i love these. these songs connect me to a place that i really love. these kind of songs always remind me of a beach. the sound of the waves. the gentle breeze. and beautiful sunsets. perfect world.
a time of solitude. a moment of being alone. some of you probably needs some time to be alone too. well. being alone is a temporary escape from a chaotic world. it’s the moment spent alone that you refocus and rethink about your plans. it’s like a retreat not because you accept defeat but just a period of rest in order to be back for more. it’s more of a realigning thing after analyzing things about what’s going on. it’s more about getting ready for what lies ahead.
solitude is my strength. it doesn’t make me lonely. it fires me up. it excites me to be back for more. it’s more of a recharging thing for me. but i cant stay alone for long. it’s just a period just like a lull. coz i will always be back and deal with what i started. coz i will always be back for more.
“sitting smoking feeling high
and in this moment it feels so right”
(dave matthews band)
12:40 pm.
i have to go in a while. later.
9:36 pm.
i still have a slight migraine.
but the rest of my day went perfectly well. i already signed the paper thing this afternoon. we’re on a roll now. i’ll just wait for time to unfold. nice.
somehow there’s that silver lining behind the darkest of clouds. but it’s still dark, you know. at least. hope began to breathe again. it is coming back to life. and in the strangest of ways, it is better.
i was with my old friend again. the word old in the context here will mean two things. old friend coz he’s one of the lastest friends i have in the span of the past ten years. and on the other hand, an old friend would mean the old friend. yes. way older than me. 98 years old.
well. time with him would always be like this. the fake laughs. hahahaha seriously, though we talk about some serious shit as well, we laugh most of the time. about the things that’s happening. about things we see around us. about us. hahahaha but the dude is cool. he still walks at 98 though. oh i just could smell the scent of the flowers and of the grass everytime. LOL
“is it getting better?
or do you feel the same?
will it make it easier on you now?”
(U2)
fears. i said fears would always stop us from achieving things. it is in the conquering of our own deepest fears that we begin to have the courage to do the things we wanna do in this life. fear is just in the mind and it blocks all the things that start in our minds. unfortunately, all things start in the mind. coz everything starts in believing.
i have issues with heights. up to now, every time my bike’s wheels leaves the ramp for a take off, i would always be a little panicky inside. if i cant contain that small spark of panic, then i would eventually lose control in mid air. and bam. a really hard crash landing. hahahaha and it’s the same thing with the really steep and fast technical descents. probably some traumatic crashes back then still linger in my subconscious up to now. and those things trigger that panic somehow. but these things dont stop me from doing it over and over again. and of course crashing over and over again. LOL but it’s the only way to conquer that thing. it’s the only way to conquer the fear. you just gotta face it and stare it in the eye. coz you just cant hide away from those things. it will just haunt you down. every time.
but the thing is, the ultimate control is in you. you are with your bike in mid air and the only thing that can control it is you. so you just have to be on top of the situation. always stay with the bike. trust your instincts. be fluid. go with the flow. however high that jump is, the bike’s suspension will absorb all the impact on landing especially on a tranny. focus. concentrate. kill those butterflies in your tummy. then you’ll be good.
roller coasters . though it’s much safer than a flying bike, i still wont do it. i wanna have control on the things i do. i can’t just wait for things to happen. i wanna make things happen. i think riding on roller coasters is like passive fun. passive adrenaline.
that’s what i think based on what i am. but i know it’s fun as well. i see people enjoying as well. but it’s not just my thing. coz i have issues with heights. and the things beyond my control. LOL
if you try to relate it to living, then probably it would mean the same thing. i guess so.
“you’ll always be in my life
even if i’m not in your life
because you’re in my memory
(enrique iglesias)
modeling. scale modeling. this was one of my passions years ago. yes. i was into building airplanes, tanks, choppers, soldiers and a few dioramas. you know how the hobby works. you assemble the thing, glue the pieces together, paint it and weather it. the objective is how to make it as close to real as possible. it’s made of resin or plastic so the trick is how to make it look like steel. yes. just like the real thing. but only scaled down to 1:35 or 1:16 etc. etc. but the magic is in the detail. how to really paint the eyes as close to being real. how to project rust on the tracks of a tank. how to project an oil spill marks on an armor. how to project a metal tarnish or a dent. how to make a crack on a windshield. are you still with me? LOL
i had the complete gear. i still do. the triple zero and the rest of the skinny detailing brushes. the magnifiers. the acrylic and enamel paints. the airbrush. the files. the sprue cutter. and stuff. sounds like a pro, huh? hahahaha
but in my never ending hunger to learn more for the mastery of the craft, i researched what i did. if i wanna do the vietnam war era, then i would read about it and check some pictures about that era. i remember one of my masterpieces is a diorama i called “zippo raids” in 1:35 scale. i made a vietnamese nipa hut and burned it. oh that was so cool. it looked so real. it was really like the zippo raid thing.
eventually, the hobby was elevated into a passion. yes. it became my passion. and i was becoming good at it. i signed up in an online forum that time and i started posting pictures of my finished products. oh dude. the european guys were wondering how i did those things. they just loved it. hahahaha of course, nothing beats an appreciation for a job well done. and that made me worked for more. that made me strive to be better. every finished model became better and better each time. oh i felt like i was such a pro.
but the more important thing to it was the learning i had. it was more of a therapy than a hobby or a passion. obviously it stirred up the artist in me. it honed my creativity. it made me think outside the box. i learned more beyond than just perfecting how to make the model. it made me interested in the history behind a thing i do like a tank or a chopper or a point in the world’s history. and those things were learned or relearned outside the four walls of the classroom.
on the other hand, what’s an even more important point in the learning curve was it made me pay attention more to the details. it taught me more of the virtue of patience. so as not to mess up what i was doing, i learned to wait. it helped me to contain and manage my emotions. that passion gave me the soft touch on life. it molded me. it made me better. it has become a part of what i am today.
yes. i can manage my emotions better now. i am always in full control. yes. i learned that most of the time i this life you have to wait. and patience is an essential in life. somehow, it ushered me more into a different level of maturity. that’s how i evolved. that’s a great part of this journey. isn’t that just great?
just like riding a bike, driving or typing, it’s an acquired skill, you know. it’s already in you and in your system. i know i still can nail it. i still can do it. sometimes, i would go into hobby shops out here and check out what they have. at times, there are some displays of the works of some hobbyists. oh dude. i can do way better than what they did. hahahahaha i can smoke them like shit.
now that’s what you can call the K. konfidence. LOL
we are still in a recap mode. it’s barely three days to go for the book I. but this will go on. and so is the journey.
well. it has been a day. happy. hopeful. some sunshine i guess. but we’ll see.
but migraine sucks so bad. it still does. im in the second day already. and the pain is still there.
why don’t you take some time to read my last quote for tonight. coz it really makes sense.
“i beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(ranier maria rilke)
well?
now let’s walk together into the sunset and let’s kick some ass along the way. we will prevail. party on!
11:40 pm.
im out.
“you may not remember the time you let me go first.
or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn’t that far to go.
or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
you may not remember any of those, but i do
& this is what i have to say to you:
today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together.”
(storypeople)
8:51 pm.
lately as i was reading some stuff online, i came across the storypeople website. their works are funny yet so creative. probably their works really connect coz it’s a part of reality. and the quote i did for tonight was the sweetest one i found on their site. this is just so real. i can feel so many connections in those lines. it connected coz those lines really make sense. it’s true. it’s real. when i saw it, it just gave me the creeps.
it’s true. most of the times, i may walk behind you. or at times, i may walk past you. but time will come when im gonna walk with you. beside you. hand in hand, together we’ll walk into the sunset.
after 6 days, im finally back to running. yeah. today is my first day run after almost a week. the injury made me stop for a while. and when i was ready to roll, the rain came. but today was perfect for a run. not that cold though at the 50s but today had clear skies.
the running forum is right somehow. even if you get to stop running for a while, you can never lose that endurance. though i was not running as fast as my regular speed, i felt sharp for the whole 5 mile run. but i had a hard time fine tuning everything for the first mile though. but over all was just perfect. the thigh is still a little bit sore though. but well.
“all at once the ghosts come back
reeling in you now
oh what if they came in crushing”
(dave matthews band)
i always attempt for balance. just like a seesaw, the center of a perfect balance is the equilibrium. and that equilibrium is a strength. it’s a source of a power. in balance. there is harmony. in balance, there is a symphony.
balance is the center point of the equal summation of both opposites. it’s the focal point of two ironies. yin and yang. black and white. left and right. love and hate. peace and war. fire and water. good and evil.
my piercings is a visual proof to my unending attempt for the perfect equilibrium. i wear black on one side and raw steel on the other.
my ink says the same as well. this human canvas is a living proof of ironies meeting somewhere in between. this higher art form will show the harmony of opposites. that there lies the perfect symphony in the equilibrium between two extremes.
“when the light falls on your face,
don’t let it change you
when the stars get in your eyes,
don’t let them blind you”
(saving jane)
lunch menu for two days: jalapeno and coke. perfect. LOL
10:49 pm.
through the past 18 years, my ink has been a progression of sorts. i always write about it. it’s no different from what i write on here. these things reflect my fascinations, dreams, convictions, hate, love and aspirations. this log and my ink is a story of this life. it’s basically the summation of this ongoing journey immortalized. this will serve as a witness for the generations to come. this will show who i really am and what i’m made of. this is me. and that’s what it really is.
the samurai warrior. this is one of my fascinations. it’s their valor and the courage that amaze me. plus the loyalty and commitment to someone they swore allegiance to. it’s chivalry and being a gentleman i guess. and how they would stand up to their principles and even shed blood or sacrifice their lives for the things they believe in is just amazing.
this would explain the samurai warrior inked on my left arm. the warrior in his full battle dress was neatly done in detail for two days. and the way of the blade, the 12 codes of the bushido is inked in kanji characters on my back. it is the way of the samurai i want to emulate as well.
and the same is true with the culture of the american indians. the valor and standing up to what they have and what they believe in. that’s what i think is the true mark of a real warrior.
tattooed on my left hand as well is a portrait of sitting bull, a sioux chief and medicine man. my fascination for their culture explains why he’s immortalized on my skin as well.
well. life’s journey is always an ongoing battle. as i always keep writing on here, nothing ever comes on a silver platter that’s why i always have to fight to have the things i want in this world. and i will still have to fight for these things in order to keep them. that’s how things had always been since i can remember. but i got what i wanted. and i got to keep those that i wanted to keep. and this is a reference to one thing. that we too are warriors in our own lives. coz it’s about surviving. it’s about achieving. it’s about winning. coz life as described by mr darwin is the elimination of the unfit. yeah. life is a struggle. and only the fittest will survive. that’s true.
“don’t let your eyes refuse to see
don’t let your ears refuse to hear”
(ray lamontagne)
in my desire to be unconventional and in my desire to be against the norms, i always dare to be different. and from that i become unpredictable. and that’s another conviction for me. i always think that unpredictability is power. it’s a source of strength. coz they will never know what’s up or how it is with you. you will always come as a surprise. they would never know. and they would be just so clueless all the time. coz things will just sweep them off their feet.
as i said crashes are and will always be a part of biking. it’s in the total package of the sport. just the same. the pain and all the hurt are and will always be a part of life. rejections and all these things serve as our learning points. these things make us better. these make us stronger. these things make us even tougher. coz these things make just make us ready for more. coz all the pain, the hurting and all the rejections never stop. it will never stop.
it has been a life so far. but there are no regrets whatsoever. it was all my decisions along the way. i wouldn’t trade this life for anything in this world. in fact, there’s no one to be blamed. not even myself. but i have everything to thank for. coz all those things happened for the right reasons. all that happened and all those guys along the way have become a part of me. the experience molded me. it made me what i am today. it made me better. stronger. tougher. this life made me relentless.
i know this is just a part of the storm. there’s still gonna be a rainbow after the rain. beyond those dark clouds is still a silver lining. soon, i’ll have the time of my life. soon, i’ll be home.
i will always prevail. as i had been before.
but the roots will always run deeper.
11:59 pm.
signing off.
“fire burning me up
desire taking me so much higher
and leaving me whole”
(augustana)
walking
thoughts unfolding
running
a past in reminiscing
wondering
so much disbelieving
negating
a part inside denying
reeling
probably a deeper meaning.
“with the lights out, it’s less dangerous
here we are now, entertain us”
(nirvana)
8:10 am.
three words. raining. bus day. retards.
the retards were well-behaved. hahaha it’s raining and its cold plus a little bit windy at about 20 mph. its raining so we can’t ride our bikes to the bus stop. we have to walk with our umbrellas. but it was still fun. coz we were singing in the rain. where is bussy, where is bussy, he is dead, he is dead….. hahahahaha it’s the new school. tragic nursery rhymes. role model. oh kids these days have more fun. LOL
later.
“you’re my Mona Lisa, you’re my rainbow skies…”
(joshua kadison)
8:55 pm.
its one of the best songs on my play list. i run to it. i ride my bike to it. i walk to it. i love it. coz there’s more beyond that song.
back to where it all started. perfect. timeless. boundless. endless. wow. it’s still amazing.
it’s still raining. and its raining hard. winds at 15 mph is equal to inverted umbrellas. hahahaha but it sucks. i cant run. still cant. and its been 5 days already. too much energy building up on me now. hmm. maybe i’ll run inside the house. hahahaha
well. later.
“but i cant feed on the powerless
when my cups already overfilled”
(temple of the dog)
11:54 pm.
back!
earlier today, i was asking a lady at the museum about a beetle ring that she wore. it was sweet and she said she had it customized. she was so excited explaining it to me. obviously it was her passion. it was a scarab bettle. and she was telling me that scarab beetles in ancient egypt symbolizes birth and death. interesting, huh? but what struck me was her knowledge about the thing. its her passion thats why. she really know it by heart and i can see it through her eyes. there was no time for google checks. she had it straight right from her stock knowledge pool, dude. and things like those always amaze me. it’s some kind of depth check for me.
i am also fascinated by the culture of the early egyptians. you know that theirs was also a part of the cradle of the early civilization. while we were still monkeys according to the theory of mr darwin, they were already building the pyramids. they were already engineers and architects. LOL its how advance they were back then.
and this would explain why i would like to see the pyramids at first light. yes. the beauty of those pyramids at sunrise. oh i always think it’s really sweet. and this would also explain the hieroglyphics tattooed on my back.
what if someone explains metaphysics like it was so easy. oh i would be really fascinated. coz even if you try reading it online, it’s some kind of a really deepest shit. hahahaha
but you know that there’s a trick to everything. sometimes you could pull off explaining a thing really like a pro. yes. even if you dont have the full knowledge about it. coz the real convincing power is how you deliver those lines. coupled with the right facial expressions. the perfect expression of the eyes and the tone of the voice. and the body language. well. most of the times, it’s the singer and not the song. hahahaha
“it takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile
be yourself no matter what they say”
(sting)
i think we should be always happy with all the things that we do in life. this is a motivation of sorts. coz if you’re happy, you can never be tired at all. if you’re happy and contented, you will never stop doing it. it will always make sense to you. being happy with it boils down to loving it. and if you’re loving it then it becomes a passion. and you know what passions are. you learn it by heart. and by learning it, you begin to master it. and you’ll be good at it. and from mastery comes excellence.
but if you’re not happy with it then you will somehow be less motivated. then you start to see the not so perfect parts. you see the loopholes. you start not to like it anymore. it stops making sense to you. you easily get tired. and you start to complain. then you refuse to understand even the smallest of things.
but i think if things start not to make sense anymore, you can always stop doing it. you can stop instantly you know. it’s not that you dont have a choice, you always have a choice.
thats what happened to my drinking habit. when it stopped making sense anymore, i stopped instantaneously. coz im not happy with it anymore. but i still could drink if i want to. coz it’s not the drinking per se, it’s the company and the laughter that goes with it. and that makes the drinking habit fun, right?
i’ve rolled with the lions and the eagles. i’ve seen the best of times. and i will be seeing more. and now in the transition, im rolling in the low lands. and in my journey, i saw that as long as you have love in whatever it is that you do, you will always shine. you will always excel. you will always rise above. the secret probably is putting your all to it, your heart and your mind. and i think that’s just what it is.
so do what you like. and like what you do.
“…takes a man to make a stand, sometimes get wild
be yourself, no matter what they say”
(shinehead)
12:30 am.
one way street. that’s what i call a one way love. obviously it’s not the mutual thing. i think it’s more like a passive kind of love. it’s like talking to a wall. it’s like loving a non living thing. but how long can someone endure that kind of love? hahaha well. we’re just humans and we have a need to be loved in return as well. and the need to be appreciated in return too. that’s why a one way street kind of love no matter how enduring you can be will always hurt sometime somehow. but you know, there’s this another kind of a higher love they call unconditional. coz they say even if you’re just ignored and rejected, it’s the feeling that you get from it that makes you stay and come back for more. somehow that’s the reason why they chose to endure and stay. coz it makes them feel good or even better, i guess. well.
it’s a decision. its a choice. and we never can understand it till we are in it. that’s true. but if you’re loving on a higher level, you are always prepared to let go as well. coz love in a higher level is not selfish. if need be for the happiness of a loved one, you can always step down, back off and let go. it will hurt of course, but the happiness of the other is more of a priority than yours. wow. and that’s amazing about loving. it’s not just the kissing and the birds and the bees. there’s more underneath it. and it’s deeper.
“at night a candle’s brighter than the sun”
(sting)
i have a way of motivating myself. it’s a thing i learned along the way. it’s like pumping yourself up to go on and be excited about tomorrow. and these come in rewards and treats. i treat myself with material things for a job well done. i reward myself for an achievement. it’s some kind of an instant gratification thing. and i reward myself before doing something great or hard. so before or after an achievement, i get myself a treat. these things add more excitement in me. it pumps me up even more. it makes me happy.
it’s true that material things make you happy. but i learned that it cannot sustain happiness. it will last for only a couple of days. the maximum i had experienced was only a week. it’s not a sustainable happiness. probably greed kicks in and makes you want more. but i think that’s human nature. in short, just like the thing they call love, you can never buy happiness.
but i think, the only sustainable happiness in this world is something intangible. it’s not in the material things. it’s something inside. coz there will never be a price for happiness. same is true with love. it’s what your heart really wants. it’s what your heart really longs for.
i also write about a gate. always. somehow it’s a reference for something else. symbolic for a point in time. but you know how gates are. it’s like a border between two different sides. the boundary between the inside and the outside. but the question is which side are you on now.
but i know exactly where i stand. and once the gates open, i’ll just cross over the other side. but right now, im already standing near the gate. and the other side is just a single step away. and that one last step will make the big difference. it’s like such a small step from here to there. but on a bigger scale, it’s gonna be a giant leap in my whole journey. it is the very first step to going home. soon.
and i know, even if it’s just a single step away, it’s a totally different world on the other side. it will feel different. it will smell different. and surely, it will look different. i can see things from where im at now.
well. it has been a journey. i’m tired. i’m weary. im fucked up somehow. but im still breathing. hoping. trying to be happy. dreaming to be happy. someday i will. probably. in this life.
enjoy your weekend, guys. im out.
1:11 am.
“sometimes in our confusion, we see not the world as it is,
but the world though eyes blurred by the mind”
(anonymous)
ang mga alaala
minsa’y nakapagtataka
sa pagdaan ng panahon
andyan lang pala nakabaon
ngunit sa isang saglit
ang panahong ipinagkait
ay muling madarama
lukso nga ng dugo sa tuwina.
“never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know”
(metallica)
7:50 am.
today is a bus day. and you know how bus days are. we ride our bikes to that bus stop and we get to hang out with those retards. hahahaha but they’re fun though. but whats even more fun is going back home. riding my bike while holding on to another bike. skill. hahahaha circus act, i guess. it’s probably another attempt at the thing they call balance. LOL
its kinda windy outside and that made it somehow colder in the morning. but today is a high of the 60s and a low of about 42F. a bit warmer than the previous days. i thought we missed the Fall. hahahaha
bridges. i always write about this too. its my thing with bridges. bridges span distances. it bridges gaps. it’s a connection between point A and point B. somehow its a link in between. if there’s a thing about bridges, i burn them. i burn bridges.
it’s the thing i always say, i can easily turn my back and never look back. i can walk away instantly and erasing everything about it. burning the links. so burning the bridge that connects somehow. burning bridges is a part of moving on. and its an essential in moving forward. you have to let go of everything and move on. coz somehow, some things make us heavier. some things are just unnecessary. some things have to be unloaded. coz we have to be light enough to fly.
it has been my way of doing things. but lately i realized that the very first bridge i was on was never burned at all. i thought i did. but it never was. coz a sight ignited the spark and memories kept coming back so vividly. probably in the subconscious level, i didnt burn it at all. it was in here all along. it just lingered in silence till the second ignition.
i dont live in the past. but i do cherish memories i have from the past. coz the past has the memories of a childhood i always long for. it was not the perfect childhood i can ever have but it was close to being perfect. coz it was a happy one. simple. very basic. pure fun. and that very first bridge was a part of those wonder years. and thats a happy thought. it had been always a happy thought.
but the mystery of it all remains. its amazing that it’s still there. unchanged. as is. it looked the same. it felt the same. there must be something to it after almost 3 decades. i dont know. and i dont wanna think about it. for now.
i would like to deny myself of it you know. but it seems i cant. crazy. hahahahahaha i always keep coming back. arrgh.
8:43 am.
later.
“theres so many different worlds
so many different suns
and we have just one world
but we live in different ones”
(dire straits)
8:13 pm.
because of my sore thigh, i have been at rest for 3 days already. and today is supposed to be a running day. but damn. its raining. hahahaha i guess i have to stay in the cave and rest some more. anyway my thigh is still kinda sore though.
it’s so amazing to realize that after all those long years of being lost, it will only end up in finding yourselves together again. it is probably a thing they call full circle. and its a sweet story. for the books. again. i guess.
i always have a thing with the eyes. they say the eyes are the windows of our souls. somehow that’s so true. you can see a lot of emotions in the eyes. sad eyes. blank eyes. lonely eyes. happy eyes. eyes that are in love. eyes that communicate. and you can get all your clues from the eyes.
i think the eyes is one part of our human body that does not change. you know how our ears get bigger with age. but the eye’s shape and size remains the same, i think. age and life’s experiences just define the eyes even more. crow’s-feet just add some texture on the peripherals. but you can see the true depth of a person through the eyes. its like you can see right through a person right through his very eyes. and that always fascinates me.
“you’re every wonder in this world to me
a treasure time won’t steal away”
(michael jackson)
9:17 pm.
life is a decision-making thing. from the very basic like what time to get in the shower in the morning. up to the very crucial decisions like what’s for dinner. LOL but every decision in this life is always right. yes. there are bad decisions but there’s never a wrong decision as long as it was you who decided on it. yes. the thing is you decided. coz there is no neutral thing in this world they say. what’s important is after you decide you become firm and stand by it whatever people say and whatever it takes. you just have to be responsible for whatever you decide. coz it all boils down to one thing, your true character. it’s not your decisions but it’s how you stand by it that matters more here. it will show how and what you’re really made of.
crashes are and will always be a part of biking. it’s a part of the package. tree hugs. washed outs. really bad crashes. fast off camber descent turns. actually these are all calculated risks. but most of the times miscalculated. no trail is ever the same they say. so after a ride, you either end up bruised, with scratches and worst of all a hurt ego. hahahaha
yes. just like our very own lives, the pain and the hurt is part of the whole package as well. we are just humans, right? so we are bound to feel everything. we have our senses and we have all the emotions. same thing goes with loving. when you are prepared to love i think you should prepare to be hurt as well. and to feel pain. and to let go as well.
but the big question is, how far can you endure a pain. how far can you go for the thing you love. how much blood can you shed for that thing you decided to love.
well. again it boils down to the intensity of your love. the degree of how much love you have given. and of course, to your very own character. how and what you really are.
this thing for biking has led me to almost meet the grim reaper for 3 times. i almost lost my life dude. really bad crashes. i know it’s not that funny anymore. but looking at it on the other side, that’s how great this passion for biking is. that’s how great this love for biking is. it just shows one thing. i could go as far as losing my own life for the thing i say i love. same thing stands with everything else on the level of love, passion and commitment. and it’s forever.
i already did that. well. almost. and that means i can do it again. if need be. somehow it’s an attitude. positive or negative. you tell me.
but above all these, fear is gonna be your constant enemy. fear will always hold you down. fear will always stop you from doing all the things you wanna do in life. i think that’s the only and the biggest stumbling block to achieving everything. but remember this, fear is only a thing in our minds.
so it’s between making things happen and just waiting for things to happen. its either you sit down and watch from those bleachers or come out and play. you decide. coz it will always be your choice.
they say life is full of choices. but from what i’ve seen, it seems that we have only one choice out there.
later.
9:49 pm.
there’s this really sweet pilipino sonnet that i really like. its really lyrical. and the way it was written in pilipino, it was even more poetic and more romantic as well. check it out. some of you guys wont even understand it coz its in a different language. but you know, its what we really are.
“…hindi mo kailangang umoo
pero tumogon ka sana kahit paano
may mga bagay na hindi kailangang narito
pero totoo at nasa harap ko…”
(sonetong hindi kailangang nasulat ni cirilo rico abelardo)
well?
11:48 pm.
logging off.
“take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles thats what you do”
(rod stewart)
8:11 pm.
weightlessness. yeah. thats one of the signs to watch out for when you see the one. odd heartbeats as well. first love. hahahaha
the museum. today bruce put out some items from the magic basement. again. this time its some lingerie stuff. ohh it looks so different. its not even sexy. hahahahaha probably these things were hot back in the days. the renaissance era. probably its what the thong is back in those days. it looks like a chastity belt to me. hahahaha that’s probably what the lady warriors wore beneath their chain mail. so funny. but who’s gonna buy those? thats what im excited to find out. hahahaha probably some knight in shining armor. ohhh. too bad. not my size though. cross dresser knight out here. ROFL
butcher park. this is more like a children’s playground more than a park. and its just about 2 blocks down the street. we made some sweet jumps last Fall. oh yes. they said if you build it then they will come. yes. grade school kids with their bmx bikes come to that place to try the jumps we made. but what’s funny is when im there they would just hang around, you know. they think im such a pro. hahahahahaha probably i look the part. and probably i dress the part. but i cant do the part. hahahahaha i dont wanna let those grade school kids see an eighty eight year old do a big air and land face first. and then see me cry. hahahahaha i dont wanna let them see some face planting tricks from me. so i wait for them to do it first too. hahaha
ohh. its still my rest day from running. im still in pain. and there’s too much energy already building up on here after 3 days of rest. im so pumped up. i need to release this. im so hyperactive now. tsk. hold on. ill go to butcher park with my BMX. hope those kids not there now. hahahaha
but tomorrow i will be back to running again. pain or no pain. i cant rest any longer. those dark alleys miss me already. but for the past 3 days of rest, i compensated for the things i lost. i loaded up on carbo and protein. you know how i always confuse my metabolism. thats how it is. and i had some water therapy. yes. i started to drink water again. wellness is in place.
later.
“it’s a damn cold night
trying to figure out this life
won’t you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new”
(avril lavigne)
12:00 am.
back.
i was all alone at the park. well. the kids have classes tomorrow and its already so late at night. so butcher park was all mine. hahahaha it was too dark though. but still. playtime. good thing i did not land face first. and if i did, no one will see me anyway. hahahaha no egos hurt. and will be hurt. sweet.
i remember the champ movie. i think most people from that generation who watched that movie cried. i did too. but what made that movie so memorable to me that even today i can still recall those moments? may theater. balcony. two big electric fans. i watched it with my grandpa. my dad.
thats what i have been saying on here. build a million memories together. if you’re a parent, invest in memories with your kids. if you’re a spouse, then invest in memories with your partner. but if you’re alone, then forget it. hahahaha but i feel you dude. i feel you.
as i said, in the end game and in the darkest of nights, those memories really come in handy. memories are always happy thoughts. and in peter pan’s world, happy thoughts make him fly. it can make us fly too. even higher. but the really happiest of thoughts can sustain our flying. soar even to greater heights.
1:04 am.
i dont know but probably some people might think i left the place i grew up in after grade school. partly true. coz i lived my HS life inside those walls. and i have not been around after. then moved to a farther place for college. but the truth is, i never really left. not at all. you see how my memories of that place is still so vivid in me. you see how i can recall names and places. it lingered in me. and it still does.
when i was still back home. in the really chaotic times, i would still find time to go back to that place again. go back, hang around and talk with my grandma. i would still go to that beach. i would still go to that hill. its like walking through my life as a kid all over again. and reliving that life is a happy thought. always a happy thought.
i never really appreciated a hug when i was a kid. i always get annoyed by other people hugging me. coz probably some hug really tight that you cant breath at all anymore. plus i grew up with older people and the old school ones dont hug as much. but as i went on with my journey, i learned the essence of a hug. not that i hug everyone i meet now you know. hahahaha but its the power of a touch. there’s healing somehow. its soothing. and thats why i changed the way i do things through the years. but i dont hug all the people i meet. hahahaha
last night after i logged off from writing this thing, i read on yahoo that there’s gonna be a meteor shower sometime between 1 am onwards. so i went outside and hang out on the porch. smoking my last smoke of the day with baby D. but it was a cloudy night. no stars were even on sight. hahahaha
to complement the stars, i also write about a lighthouse. always. just like the stars, a lighthouse is a basic in navigation as well. if stars guided those early travelers on sea, then the sight of a lighthouse was a visual of a land. that they’re nearer home. the beacon of that lighthouse is a realization that you’re actually not lost. it reminds you that you’re on the right path. that it will only take sometime before you hit land and then you’re home.
but in this modern age of computers and GPS, a lighthouse is just an object of history. its just one of the museum pieces. but when all things fail, we all go back to the basics. coz the basics will always work. well. stars and lighthouse are always gonna be a part of the basics.
2:45 am.
its been a day. its just a sjourn and im just a passer by.
but keep shining on. i need your light as i go through the darkest of paths.
im out.
“to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
when we have shuffled off this mortal coil”
(shakespeare, hamlet)
“…could it be fate or random circumstance
at the right place at the right time
two roads intertwine
and if the universe conspired
to meld our lives to make us fuel and fire
then know where ever you will be
so too shall i be”
(rivermaya)
10:41 pm.
perfect chemistry. its not like water and fuel but its more like fuel and fire. yes. for that perfect combustion.
rico blanco of rivermaya. he’s so lyrical. he writes good songs. but what was on his mind when he wrote that song? interesting. check that song out. a pinoy pride.
today is kinda warm out here. we’re in the 50’s. well. warmer than the past days. its still my rest night. my thigh is still sore. but i think i could run again tomorrow. we’ll see. oh its just so tempting to run. my running shoes is calling me now. hahahaha
today at work i was scribbling some notes. line after line as i was thinking about that past. well. its not perfect coz im just a trying hard poet. hahahaha but the thing is, its all from this heart.
i wrote about my lifelines last night. so it’s a dog, a bike, a mom and an irony. though constantly rejected and ignored, that irony is still a part of my lifelines. and somehow thats funny.
however, this journey must go on. so, i need a closure for that irony. ill be working on that soon. but still. things said will still stand. but i have to move on. moving forward into a different level. going home.
oh. the thats what are friends are for song is on. oh this is like the we are the world song. i also sing this aloud. in all their voices. and with feelings. hahahaha but there’s this part that i really love to sing. the intro part. the harmonica. hahahaha oh i feel like a pro. LMAO
oh the kids are enjoying how i sing. hahahahaha they think im a clown or something. hahaha
“so what is love then is it dictated or chosen
does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years
or is it just pop emotion…”
(indigo girls)
so is it dictated or chosen?
the same thing goes with destiny, i guess. does destiny choose you or could we choose our own destiny. but i think one thing is certain. we just couldn’t mess with in. coz as defined by those who experienced it, its some kind of a predetermined thing. wow. let’s try defying it then. hahahaha
well. i have read that trust is gained and earned and not mandated. true. same thing goes with respect. trust and respect must begin with you, i guess. you can never start trusting and respecting if you cant even do that to your own self. it makes sense. so you have to work it out. it doesn’t come naturally for sure.
i am always fascinated with the culture of the american indians. the bravery and how they stand for all their principles is just amazing. and you know how they wear those feathers. they work for it. they earn it. it’s some kind of medal or a proof of merit. well. if trust, love and respect have feathers to prove it, then probably all i have right now is just baby feathers. hahahaha
“scars are souvenirs you never lose
the past is never far”
(goo goo dolls)
museum talk.
today was a vacuum day. well. its a museum so most likely the floor vacuum is a guaranteed relic. hahahaha it runs on coal, dude. works like a steamboat. thats how old it is. its not your regular modern day vacuum cleaner. it looks different. but it still does the work. well. nothing can question performance, i guess.
i love doing this, you know. and i do this regularly. well. every six months. but wait. is it six months already? hahaha but the best thing doing it is i could always play deaf. what?!?! huh?!?! what?!? hahahaha and its one of the chores that makes time pass by really fast. but day dreaming is still a winner. hahaha
yes. after you put the vacuum cleaner back, you just get your backpack and prepare to leave. coz its always a double whammy. vacuum cleaning with day dreaming. perfect combination. like fuel and fire. hahahaha
you know how when business is really slow, bruce gets bored as well. i dont know what goes on his mind while sitting on the register waiting for time to pass by. but on times like these, there’s always the unlucky customer. out of extreme boredom, bruce would give his unsolicited advices. hahahahaha he would talk about vitamins. wth? first, he would ask the unlucky customer if he or she takes vitamins. it doesnt really matter if its a yes or a no. its just one of bruce’s lame intro piece. then bruce would start his mini lecture. oh thats so totally uncalled for. hahahaha for the not so rude ones, they would stay and pretend to listen. but to the really ghetto ones, they would turn their back on him and ignore his silly lecture. hahahaha
bruce has some topics prepared for his mini lectures on the register. sometimes, he would talk about college education to an eighty year old. hahahahaha wtf? hmmm. maybe it would be more interesting if he talks about the current drug problems in the himalayas. hahahaha
oh museum life is so funny. its that interesting, dude. it just cracks you up all the time. i would just look away and start laughing. hahahaha it’s all in a day’s work.
my impressions. i think bruce is on drugs. and i think he’s gay. hahahahahahaha i hope he doesnt get to read this. ROFL
“i think i’ve already lost you
i think you’re already gone”
(matchbox 20)
as i always say on here, this is a hell of a journey. it has seen unforgiving times. its hard. things were not always on a silver platter. well. its still not till now. but yes. there were sweet moments as well. but the thing is, i have to fight all the time. i have to fight to have what i want. i still have to fight to keep it. and you know how it is. its a tiring exercise. its been so long. and fighting all your life will always take its own toll. the never ending fighting will leave you battle weary always. the battle scars will always prove it. yes. im no machine after all. i get tired too.
and sometimes, being tired makes you think of giving up. you just wanna rest you know. but you know you just cant do that. if you have to stop fighting, you will always have the risk of losing the things that you have been fighting for. so its not even an option for now. you just have to go on fighting. you have to know how to keep yourself going on inspite of being tired and weary. you just have to know how to motivate yourself just to keep you going. its harder coz its something mental and psychological you know. and what’s even harder is, you have to fight alone. all alone. you have to face it all alone. you absorb every pressure and everything that comes along the way. you take all the impact that hits you. you do the plans and work it out alone. i tell you, at the end of each day, you just find yourself sitting down on the edge of your bed thinking what the hell happened after all those years. but the thing is, you’re still here. you’re still in the fight. and somehow, however bleak, there’s still a flicker of a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. there’s still the words of hope, faith, love and redemption. for as long as i breathe, i will hope.
i dont know when this body’s gonna give up. but the will is yet so strong. and that strong will is gonna work for me till that end. till i get home. and i hope i will live to see that day. i hope.
just like boxing, its just a 12 round game you know. it will be over soon. but while waiting, you just have to learn to use the ropes. you just have to roll with the punches. sometimes, you get hit and fall on the canvass really hard. but there’s always a bell to save you in every round. just be on guard all the time not be knocked out or be knocked down. just wait for the right break and when the time is right, just go for it. unleash your powerful right hook right on the target. coz inside that ring, the best man always wins. it aint over till its over you know. even though all the odds are against you. there will always be hope for a win, as long as you’re still in that ring.
“will i choose water over wine?….
…whatever tomorrow brings, ill be there“
(incubus)
12:17 am.
ill be back. hold on.
12:31 am.
smoke breaks in the garage is never complete without baby D. he just wanna play, you know.
there’s just too much going on.
well. i know what i need. i know what i want in this life. i know my shit. i know my capabilities and i know my limits. and i can go over those limits if i want to. i know what can i achieve and i know i can achieve even more. and i can stand with one foot for three minutes, if thats a feat for you. LOL
im not your adonis. im not your typical boy next door. and im not the hunk of your dreams kinda guy. i am just an ordinary pilgrim with extraordinary dreams. a regular pilgrim who just wants to be happy to be home.
oh yes. i am the pilgrim who loves poems and pretends to understand them. a poser at heart. thats what it is.
im out.
“i dont want to wait
for our lives to be over…”
(paula cole)
why
do all these things still
linger,
when
traveling’s been so long into
forever.
such
lips, the face, the nose, the eyes,
the hair,
still
the very same things i can
remember.
that
odd heartbeat, the fire, the burn,
the sting,
as is, ever unchanged somehow
this feeling.
“why we must all conceal
what we think and how we feel?”
(christina aguilera, mulan)
yes. there’s a heart that must be free to fly. great movie. nice song. powerful lyrics. disney magic. wow.
10:51 pm.
all monday nights are rest nights. its the time when i go out of this cave to interact and socialize. its errands night. the basic necessities of life. coke. marlboros. its just a man and all his vices. hahaha
of course its my bmx night. oh im like a kid on the loose. so happy to be on a bike again. its playtime, you know. well. all work and no play makes jack a dull boy. right? hmmm. but where’s jill?
those kids near the gas station were there again in their front yard playing. you know how it is. when they see me they talk to me in basic dora spanish. and i answer back really fast that they would be just speechless and amazed. for one, i speak really so fast that they could not figure out what the hell im talking about coz its not in english. well. its not in spanish as well. its my basic tongue. ilonggo. hahahahaha
sometimes its kinda cool to know how to speak other dialects and languages you know. its not to impress other people but more to trick them. hahahaha well. i know quite a few dialects and languages. probably its what they call the gift of the tongue. ooops. sounds a little bit way off, huh. hahahaha no tongues please.
“when destiny calls you, you must be strong
i may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on”
(phil collins, tarzan)
oh yeah. just look over your shoulder. ill be there. always. wow. still the same disney magic.
again, today’s log and the succeeding logs are part of the recap of a year of random thoughts, convictions and all put into writing.
with the way i look now, i will always be a victim of stereotyping. i will always be typecasted in a way. prejudging. but wth? i dont care at all. i had been anyway. and i really dont mind.
to the old school guys, i will always look scary and bad. hahahaha but as i said, i dont even care at all. i dont give a big F what other people say. better reserve your judgment till you get to know me better. judgment is not for us humans anyway. if you’re a god then probably i would understand.
its just who and what i am. defying the conventional and the norm. defying the standards of first impressions. or the stigma of it.
anyway, truth be told. its not what i was or what i am now. but the meat is what im gonna be tomorrow. coz tomorrow is a collective of the past and the present. and thats what matters more in this world. i hope that makes sense.
menu for the day. 5 pieces of bread with nutella. a feast! topped with an ice cold coke. perfect. the coke guys were always right. you just cant beat that feeling. simply priceless.
there are some things in this world that we cant even explain. even if we wanted to. why samson loved delilah. the thing about romeo and juliet. someday probably we’ll know. but as it is, it will always be a mystery. its part of life’s wonders, i guess.
why would i always use the north as my point of reference anyway. this will remind me of that place where i grew up. one thing’s for sure. if i just go on walking due north, the road will always end up in a beach. and that beach is a great part of my early days. of my childhood. and it will always be a part of me. and all the memories on that place as well.
time and technology have made our lives complicated. or probably it was part of our choice to be this complicated as well. but amidst all the complications and the chaos of today, we always yearn for the simple life. the basics. the simple pleasures of living. coz those things are way sweeter than any of these things today put together. walking barefoot on the sand. experiencing sunsets. waking up to the sunrise. lying on the grass or on the roof watching the stars and figuring out the constellations. being on a swing. playing in the rain. walking under the moonlight. waiting for an eclipse. skipping rocks. reading the godfather book for the nth time. just being in bed doing nothing. the list would be endless. i could go on forever.
back when i was a kid, i could not forget the big billboard that i used to read everyday. it was on a really high spot near an old movie house. it was written by a guy named david mckay. “no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home.” after 88 years, those lines start to make sense now.
“spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay”
(sarah mclachlan)
11:48 pm.
later.
12:21 am.
oh yeah. probably its just two lost and wandering souls meeting up again at a crossroad.
but what is a home anyway. is it just a structure somewhere in a place in time. or is it just a thought or a state of mind. who knows? but i think i do know. home is where your heart longs to be. home is where your heart is.
when people talk about a relationship or a partnership, they always end up talking about chemistry. i think chemistry is what you are together rather than what you are apart. it is the push and the pull. its about complementing each other’s weaknesses. coz sometimes a weakness can be a source of one’s strength as well. completing each other’s inadequacies. maybe its like inspiring each other to grow to each other’s max potential and not letting each other down. sometime’s you might end up stepping on the other to get ahead. but the point is going back and pulling the other out and be together again. it is more of a helping thing rather than accusing. its not blaming each other but understanding and moving forward together.
maybe its like this. might be individually weak but collectively a force to reckon with. or could be even stronger apart but even formidable together. its the force of two souls combined. complementing. completing. wow.
i have written the other day about papo as my lifeline. i have three more lifelines. but what’s a lifeline to me anyway. its the thing i turn to in my darkest days. its a thing i come back to when the seas get rough. these lifelines are the ones i run to when i feel so lost and down.
keira. my bike. X. my BMX. these things are my lifelines as well. when things are in complete chaos, biking evens me out. its the time i spent alone with a bike that helps me clear my mind and figure things out for me. maybe that doesnt make sense to you at all. probably you just dont realize how happy i am when im on a bike. its a first love in childhood. it will always connect me to that peter pan inside of me. and you know how reminiscing those years of childhood would always make me happy. and thats what happy thoughts are made of. and thats what it is.
“there are no words that can express how i feel
you never kept a secret, always stayed real
and i appreciate how you raised me
and all the extra love that you gave me”
(2pac shakur)
another lifeline who is all over this log as well is the very first lady in my life. my very first kiss. my very first hug. my very first love. an epitome of the thing called unconditional love. my mom. my grandma. words cant ever express my gratefulness to her. i owe her everything. my life and this life. what i am today is because of her as well. though so much pressure to excel was always on even at such a very young age, it served as a very strong backbone for my future. i was always prodded to excel, to be better always than my last achievement. that inculcated the competitive spirit in me. and that always put me on the road to seek for mastery and excellence in all the things i do at least in my own way. and complacency had no room for me. it made me. it molded my soul. it strengthened me. it is who i am now. and who i will be.
she was very over protected of me and that i would always understand. the love she showed nurtured the love in me as well. and it was so handy in the darkest days. though she wanted to keep me forever, she let me go when i have to leave for HS. but letting me go made wonders for me as well. it made me see life from a different perspective at such an early age. the early experience of freedom and independence made me tougher. the things learned outside the four walls of a classroom made me even better. it made me more ready for the life to come. it was a crucial part in my learning curve.
i know i was not a good son, you know. but i will always be indebted to her. as i said, all the hugs and the i love yous and all the words i could ever write on here can never express all the gratefulness and the love i have for her. her simplicity showed me the way. her toughness inspired me. her courage i always want to emulate. matter of fact, i shared the letter i wrote her before i finally came back here for good.
wherever i may be, in the darkest of night, i would always call her. and her intuition would always be as sharp. she would always know whats going on if ever i give her a call. i dont call her for advices or anything you know. i would call her just to hear her voice. coz just the sound of her voice soothes me. and makes me feel better somehow. its like she’s telling me that sometime soon is gonna be the daybreak. oh my. this just makes me miss her more now.
and i wanna let the whole world know this. i love her. and i will love her always. till my last days. thank you for all the love and thank you for everything. i will always bleed for you. i will always die for you if need be. i love you very much mommy. you still rock! coz you will always be a supermom.
wow. she is just amazing. i could have died, you know. probably i really am destined to be here today writing all this shit. well.
oh dude. there’s so much emotion right there. i meant all of those. i really do. and she knows that too. but you know, she’s still pissed off at all my ink and piercings. and my long hair as well. hahahahaha
thats why it has been my advocacy ever since. love your moms, dudes. they’re the only ones you got. they will always be super naggers and monsters. they will always deny you of the things you want in your life. they will always treat you as a five year old. they will always doubt all the things you say. they will always be the villains in your lives. but you know what, they will always love you. even though the whole world despises you, they will always be there for you. they will always be the last man standing beside you. believe me. though you might not realize it, their love is always non negotiable. their love for you is forever. their love is unconditional. please take time to think and realize those things. its true.
when was the last time you hugged your mom? when was the last time you talked to her? when was the last time you kissed her? when was the last time you told her how much you love her? do it now. before things become too late. though she might not react at all, we should realize she’ll be so happy to hear those words from you. coz moms have prides bigger than a killer whale. hahahaha thats very true.
to all the moms out there, you rock! and to those who are about to be a mom, i salute you.
nooo. not the MILFs. hahahaha oh the Movies I Love Filming.
my very last lifeline is the summary of all my lifelines. the million rejections from that lifeline make it a very ironic somehow. coz it should never be my lifeline to begin with. hahahaha
there was pain and hurt somehow but those rejections never mattered eventually. coz there was so much to thank for anyway. that lifeline changed me without even doing anything but reject me. thats funny somehow.
it ushered my metamorphosis in this transition stage. it inspired me in so many things. it made me changed everything that i do, the way i do things. it ushered the cleansing process in which i am in now. it made me better. it made me fly even with those rejections. and aint that something?
efforts are never left unappreciated though. those rejections made me even stronger. made me even more relentless. it humbled me. it kept me grounded somehow. and those are the things that i would be always thankful about.
go and reach out for your dreams. you know where to find me when things fail. i wish you well. thank you for everything as well.
the lines i quoted earlier is from 2pac shakur’s rap piece dear mama. he wrote about his undying love for his mom. 2pac wrote good songs. he was a poet of his generation. a prophet to his people. an instrument of peace to his brothers. a wasted talent though. a senseless victim of a drive by.
well.
1:56 am.
if you were in the land of oz, who would you be?
the scarecrow. the lion. the tin man. or dorothy.
this pilgrim is signing off now.
“now that i know this
so beyond, i can’t hold this
i can never turn my back away
now that i’ve seen you
i can neva look away”
(P.O.D.)
10:06 am.
earlier at about past 4 am, the temp finally dropped to 32F. yes. the freezing point. i would run if i could but it was way too early to run. hahahaha oh it was so tempting though. i was waiting for the temp to drop the whole night to the freezing point. but it came too late. now we’re back to 37F and the low for today is only pegged at 36F. tsk.
well. as i said i could run all i want when sub freezing is a regular daily temp, right? patience my son. your time’s gonna come soon. hahahaha well. the thing is i just cant wait.
i have been writing lines. it’s not that perfect coz im not really a poet. hahaha but i could say it comes from this heart. my heart. so in a way, its perfect for me. and from those lines i wrote and will still write, i only need a melody, the notes and a perfect harmony. i will write a song. too much? i dont think so. but i will. just have to relearn some things and then im good.
now that’s immortalization right there. immortalized in the pages of this thing. immortalized through the pages of a book. immortalized in those lines that i write. immortalized on my skin. and soon to be immortalized in the lines of a song. wow. now there you go. perfect.
the northstar. i have been writing about this all over. and i realized that i dont even know why. probably now, it makes more sense to me. maybe its the subliminal working for me. well. its the great power of the mind that we always dont realize.
stars. back in the days before GPS was even thought of, stars were the only guides the people had in their travels on a clear night in the vastness of the ocean. and even on land. seafarers used the stars to confirm bearings in navigation. to the lost traveler, a star will always give him a sense of direction. to the wise men, a star led them to that manger. to the astronomer, a star would always be just another case of study. even in the book The Little Prince, they talked about stars as well.
the nautical star. the northstar. polaris. among all the billion stars or even more in the sky, the northstar is the only constant star. it never changes. its position remains the same. and its the brightest star in the little dipper. wow. it is the true north. the magnetic north.
i always wrote on here that if i just follow that star, i will never be lost. in fact, as it will always give me a sense of direction, in time i will be home. or finding my way back home. creepy. i dont know. damn. crazy.
i have to go. later.
“under the arctic fire
over the seas of silence
hauling on frozen ropes
for all my days remaining
but would North be true?”
(sting)
9:02 pm.
oh yes. the first day really lasted forever.
the we are the world song is on. i always sing this song whenever i hear it. yes. in all the voices. and with feelings. hahahaha this is always funny. cyndi lauper. lionel richie. +michael jackson. steve perry. +ray charles. etc. etc. oh dude. this is always fun. hahahaha
i think i have to rest my thighs even for just 2 days. i was in pain during my run tonight. and it does not feel good anymore. i mean its getting worse. i think i really need some rest. oh dude. im no quitter but for now i am left with no choice. if i really want to run forever, i really have to take a break. and let the sore heal first. its just a lull anyway. after i heal, ill be back to running again.
in times like these, i wish i had adamantium. self healing powers. i wish.
as i had said, i had been writing for about more than two years now. and i had been writing about polaris. the north star. i had been always in awe about that star since its a constant star in the universe. its one of nature’s wonders. perhaps its grandeur can be seen better as you go nearer the northern magnetic pole. of course near the equinoxes. the phenomenon of the aurora borealis. that’s why its one of the places i wanna go before i die. AK. the mystic and the romance of the northern lights never stop to amaze me.
the constancy of the north star is always one of my favorite writing topics. only to realize that it had been constant in me as well through the years. it was in my subconscious all the while after all. if it’s all over my writings, it’s sprawling on my body in ink as well. a big nautical star is on my lower right hand. and five more smaller stars scattered throughout. now thats even creepier as hell.
strength of will. i was writing about that too. and its on ink on my tummy as well. the latin inscription in old english text. desiderium firmum. coz that’s what i am. and always will be.
i have been a traveler. probably my whole life. a nomad. yes. without a home. i have been traveling since i was two months old. and i never stayed too long in a place. i always move on to another place. it has been my journey. the reasons to leave always outweigh the reasons to stay. but i know sometime somewhere, when i get home, when i finally find my way back home, there will be more reasons to stay than to leave. coz when im finally home, ill stay forever.
as i said, it has been a ride. but amidst all the dips and drops, im still a happy wandering soul. i still can laugh my brains out. i still can enjoy what life can offer me somehow. but you know, the saddest part is at the end of each day. when you finally realize things. when reality hits you again. when the final curtain of the day closes. after the applause and the laughter. that its just you and your two bikes. and this laptop. and those endless miles to run. well.
The Art of War. written by a great chinese general Sun Tzu centuries ago. most probably in chinese calligraphy. LOL it is a book on war tactics and strategies. his words, his thoughts and his ideas were timeless thats why people still use it today. matter of fact aside from using it in modern war strategies, it is being used in sales and marketing as well. and its useful in our daily personal lives as well. coz there’s always a war going on somewhere. there’s always a battle to be fought somewhere. coz you know how it is. there is always a battle worth fighting for. though we might lose some of the battles here and there but in the long run, we will always win the war.
“however far away i will always love you
however long i stay i will always love you
whatever words i say i will always love you”
(the cure)
i really love this song. this is so far one of the greatest love songs ever written in my opinion. the words are so simple but it just connects to the heart. the cure’s main man robert smith wrote this as a gift to his ex girlfriend. a wedding gift actually to his wife mary poole. sweet. does the line immortalized in a song makes more sense now?
311’s version of the song gave a better twist i guess. the reggae touch to the song gave more texture and character to it. and thats even sweeter. check that out.
hold on. ill be back later.
1:19 am.
back.
oh. nothing really beats an ice cold coke with marlboros. how come its always perfect. the sting as it goes down your throat is priceless. coke rules.
i was running into the sunset by the way. and it was so sweet. the fullness of the fiery red orange setting sun is always a thing to die for. if it’s time for me to die, i want to die in a perfect sunset. but the sore thigh is just sooo lame. arrgh. i just dont know what the hell happened to this.
red. is the color of fire. its the color of blood. its the color of passion. its the color of love. and its one of the color shades of the sun.
i know all of us are familiar with the hans christian andersen’s fairy tale the ugly duckling. its a story of a transformation for the better. its a story of an evolution. and a story that there’s somewhere we really belong to. i think we always have that ugly duckling inside of us. sometimes we might think and feel that we are ugly and unacceptable in the duck world. but the essence is we have to grow out our old feathers and after we molt in our own maturity we come out as better ones. coz we are not ducks after all to begin with. and just like that ugly duckling, after a long harsh winter, spring welcomes us as we mature into what we really are. swans.
and as every fairy tale ends, they lived happily ever after. LOL
well. its time for bed. vitamins. check. glass of milk. check. my favorite nursery rhymes book. check. blankie. check. night light. check. my huggy stuffed toy giraffe. check.
sleep tight guys. LOL
1:39 am.
this pilgrim is checking out.
poof!
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