couple of decades ago, an ignition
too premature, aborted combustion
along the subliminal, that flame crept
time then unfolded but was never swept
from out of nowhere, that same spark
suddenly a light for a path that’s so dark
out of the embers, there’s ever yearning
that old fire deep within, still burning.
ang muling pagbukas ng pintuan ng buhay sa kinabukasan
ay parang ilog na dumadaloy sa kalakhan ng karagatan
itong bagong yugto may katapat na mga bagong hangarin
tunay na kaligayahan tanging pangarap na magiging akin
at sa pag-iisa magugunita ang ilang dekadang paglalakbay
sa isang sulyap abot-tanaw na ang hantungan nitong buhay
tanging panalangin ko’y umabot man lang sa kinaumagahan
ang bagong sikat ng bagong araw ang syang nais kong masilayan.
sa pagdaan ng mga araw ay tila di na
maikukubli
damdaming ito’y di na kaya ng lubos na
pagkukunwari
pagkakataon nga lang ba o guhit nga ng
tadhana
isang malaking palaisipan na tunay na
nakakabalisa
at habang dito’t naghihintay ng takdang
panahon
ngayo’y tiyak na lulusob ulit sa muling
pagkakataon.
’sing tamis ng sumisikat na araw sa bukang-liwayway
itong pagibig lang ang aking tanging kaagapay
parang mga paro-paro na na-aakit sa halimuyak
sa limang libong rosas, bagamat isang natatanging bulaklak
ngunit ang lahat ay di nagsimula sa isang kisapmata
sa pagdaloy ng panahon lalong kumikislap parang isang tala
marahil sa kasalukuyan ay di pa napapasa-akin
sa kinabukasan malalaman ang tunay na adhikain
‘wariy isang saranggola sa malakas na hangin wumagayway
umulan man at bumagyo lumalakas lalo ang hanay
mga alaala lang ng mga nagdaan ang nakakapaligaya
kahit nahihirapan at lahat lumalaban pa rin sa tuwina.
a love so unconditional as it can ever be
a grandma and a mom, that’s what is she
always got my back since that very first day
through the years and beyond, she will always stay
to be more exposed early in life, she set me free
though i wanna be with her always, it just can’t be
her courage and inner strength, i wanna replicate
her simplicity in all things, i wanna emulate
i love her and i will always be
will bleed for her anytime, whatever it will be.
not my only favorite and i can never part
undoubtedly, this soul’s closest to my heart
though not perfect, she has some flaw
but the beauty of emotions, in her i saw
a slow burner, that’s what she is
always overshadowed by the other sis
after a while, gift goes into bloom, though
her beauty and talent now shining through
will always be there no matter what will be
coz that’s what it really is to me
my pride, my blood and my legacy.
the first-born, who she is to me
a so early shot at responsibility
such a first name, a cold war icon
a second name, an eastern bloc borne
since birth, the gift was nourished
till now, that talent even flourished
her kicks as swift as the lightning
her hands tailor-made for etching
the psyche ever runs so deep, i feel
a mind so sharp and a character of steel.
all those days’ always been so cloudy
never can sustain a moment being happy
and nights have always been this dark
even dimmer, now that’s without a spark
am i paying for the sins of the past
sins of another generation, aghast
felt like a jinx to the ones i was with
always so hard to roll, a bad luck indeed
happiness is not mine to keep, probably real
wondering now, am i cursed or am i evil?
trophies, plaques and laurels
record-breaking feats, what else?
money and fame, things worldly
could not suffice all you want it to be
something’s lacking, what could it be?
such a sad feeling, so incompletely
the void within that needs to be filled
till that day comes, this life’s fulfilled.
walking alone into the horizon
into the sunset this trek goes on
this has been a journey in solitude
only hanging on its own fortitude
so rough was this path traveled upon
dark and stormy even what’s still beyond
still hoping for a parallel soul to come
before all the hope within is gone.
what is it to me
the alpha and the omega
what is it to be
the beginning and the end
an eighteenth wonder has been
the first and the last
that constant vacuum within
this void deep inside
always been a dream so elusive
this fountain of rejections
made a mere mortal insensitive
to life and everything about living.
the good days with sunshine, the good times
the laughter, would even share a bottle of wine
come the dark days and rock bottom times
those so-called friends bailed out on the nine
fake laughs, fake jokes, fake people
so untrue was all there is to it all the while
afraid for you might ask some help and all
look away, ignore, isolate, evasion and guile
and now even how hard they would insist
just apologies coz in my world they don’t even exist
freaking fine weathered friends now i can tell
they deserve the hottest place in the deepest of hell
will never forget those who left during the night
and will never forget those who stayed during
the darkest of night.
across the miles, wondering how is she
is there even a moment that she’s thinking ’bout me
across the distance, worried if she’s just fine
i do care even if she’s still not mine
in her heart, do i have a space reserved
just wondrin’ if there’s even a beat that i deserved.
“and when i’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn
rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
just know that i’m looking down on you smiling
and i didn’t feel a thing, so baby don’t feel no pain
just smile back”
(eminem)
the usual day and night walks on this so lonely pavement
the silent rustle, the falling leaves seemingly lament
the ever gloom of this autumn, it spells total sadness
this reality bites, dear life’s missing much happiness
soon the long winter’s gonna be here all over again
the biting cold with the winds really so unforgiving
the darkest nights, treacherous icy paths and knee-deep snow
all alone, anguish amplify the lingering sorrow
though on the farthest horizon is the coming of spring
ease out the pain somehow, a soul now restless in hoping
its when the coming out of the ground hog from its burrow
a milestone in time, such the beauty of life’s tomorrow.
ang tuman ka subo nga daw indi na guid matungkad
basi kabayaran sang mga sala sang nagliligad
ang dako nga pangutana kung ang tanan may katapusan
kung sa likod sang tanan nga kapa-it ayhan may kalipayan man
apang sa karon nga higayon indi naton mahibalo-an
sa pagdalagan sang tini-on maga tuhaw ang sabat sang ini tanan.
what ifs, what could have beens
an array of unending questions
a distant place, a moment in time
for once it was almost mine
’twas a cold night, drizzling
windy and raining
on a beachfront yuletide
that moment to deride
such distinct hearts in unison
a first time in motion
too confused and perplexed
just didn’t know what’s next.
mahiwagang buhay nakapagtataka
ngunit minsa’y nakakabalisa
maraming nagdaang alaala
bumabalik sa isang kisapmata
sa isang sulok pala ng isipan nakatago
pira-pirasong larawang ulit na bumubuo
sa isang salamin ng kahapon
datapwat sa tuwina’y tumutugon
kung saan ang lahat nagsimula’y
muling bumabalik sa dapit-hapon ng buhay
at kung bakit nasa tamang panahon ang lahat
isang malaking tanong sa muling pagkamulat.
9:29 am.
“these are little scraps of magic & when you paste them together you get a memory
of something fine & strong, she said. sometimes it takes till you’re 40 to see it though.”
(story people)
well. we have come to the last log of this journal. it’s been a year of a journey documented in this daily log. my dreams. my aspirations. the pain. the anguish. the longing. the fun. the excitement. my convictions and my passions.
it is a story of love and hate. it is a journey without a clear destination. an endless journey to a thing i always call my home. a never-ending quest for happiness. but we will never know for now. but two things are certain at this point. this journey might find me home or might find me dead somewhere.
however, this last log is not reserved for good byes. for this journey goes on. for there will always be stories to share. there will always be songs to sing. there will always be those sweet rhymes and the right reasons. there will always be a beach with beautiful sunsets. and writing is always gonna be a part of this journey.
it’s always more than meets the eye. things are always more than just being skin deep. there’s more beyond the ink and the gauges. there’s always more than all the words and the lines i can forever write on here.
“i am not afraid to walk this world alone
…nothing you can say can stop me going home”
(my chemical romance)
anyhow, there are things that i have to be grateful about as well. that in spite of it all, despite all the rejections, the death wish and the dangerous grounds, i am still here today writing this shit.
there had been crashes and more hard falls. there had been rock bottom moments. there had been the darkest of nights. but just like a phoenix, i had always come out of my own ashes and still make it through. coz out of my own ashes, i will still burn. burn for all the things i believe in.
but i guess now is the right time to thank all those people i met in this journey. some i rolled with and some i met at the crossroads. while some were just standing along the way. some have left this world already while some left during the dark of night. and some don’t exist in my world anymore.
you guys have been a part of me and my journey. i learned a lot of things from you. and those learnings from life somehow molded me. it made me stronger. better. tougher. it made me sharper and even wiser i suppose. street wise and street smart that is. it made me what i am today.
and my appreciation goes to the one reading these logs as well. you might be a regular reader. or you might just happen to drop by. or probably just a starter who accidentally came across this thing. somehow, you became a part of my life too.
a big appreciation to the ones i call my blood as well. my grandma slash mom. and the rest in the circle. somehow, you guys made me hang on for a little bit more. thank you for everything so far. i will always cherish those things in my heart forever.
to the stars. to the biggest star. and to that north star. thanks for paving and lighting the dark path. always keep that light on.
and many thanks to the lifelines as well. a mom. a dog. a bike. and an irony.
and to the spark that ignited it all. it was, it is and it will always be a perfect spontaneous combustion. it was some sort of a higher form of an inspiration that gave me the wings somehow. big thanks as well.
as i always say on here, nothing and no one is always left unappreciated. my big thanks goes to you all guys.
well. after the revelry and the fireworks comes the silence. after all the applause, the final curtain drops. then you get to face the reality of it all. and it bites.
after all is said and done, it’s just a pilgrim and his precious metals. a guy and his homeys. two bikes and a skateboard. some gear. an mp3 player. this laptop. and millions of miles more to walk, ride and run always anchored on a dream of a home.
the journey lives on. coz i will never stop exploring. i will never stop traveling. till i reach that destination. where there will be more reasons to stay than leave again.
and i always hope i will live to see the day.
yes. i will be out for a while. life has to get in the way first.
but someday i will be back to write my thoughts. again. and we will talk. again.
keep shining. keep smiling. be happy. be safe. and stay warm.
so long guys.
rock on!
10:45 am.
and i am out.
“and no grown-up will ever understand how such a thing could be so important!”
(antoine de saint-exupery, the little prince)
1:19 am.
“did you find what you were after
the pain and the laughter brought you to your knees”
(ben harper)
in an hour from now, DST is gonna end. it’s gonna be an hour earlier. it’s the start of those even shorter days, i guess. it’s gonna be darker earlier than the usual. now it’s gonna be more depressing. well.
trick or treat!
treat. treat is for the kids who dressed up and go around for treats. well, the museum is no different. and i enjoy these moments. you can see how happy and excited these kids are collecting treats like chocolates and chips and a lot of food stuff.
but you know how it is out here. they’re loud, wild and rowdy. ghetto kids. and you just have to be very careful especially those guys wearing masks. you just can never be sure dude. wolves are just about everywhere waiting to strike on unsuspecting ones. so i just stayed outside to give away those treats to the kids. oh i felt like santa. but wait. it’s halloween so i should be mr. death. the grim reaper himself giving those kids the treats. hahahaha
trick. now this part is for the bigger kids. the adults. hahaha you know how it is out here. devil’s night. angel’s night. at about this time probably some abandoned house somewhere in the D is on fire. pyromania is an ongoing tradition out here on this time of the year. that’s how crazy they are. well. out here, an abandoned house is always a porno for pyros.
1:26 am.
oh yes. freedom has it’s own price.
im out.
“you can’t climb
till you’re ready to fall”
(ben lee)
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